Elisa Ann Schwartz / Elisa Jordana / Kermit and Friends Podcast - Gunt-enabling host of the unpopular "Kermit and Friends" podcast; former keytarist for Cobra Starship; fame-seeking ex-girlfriend of Howard Stern Show writer Benjy Bronk

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Recently, sexual predator Ethan Oliver Ralph (host of "The Killstream") appeared on a tiny Youtube show called "Kermit and Friends" ("KAF"). KAF's Youtube page describes the show as follows:
Kermit And Friends is a LIVE comedic spiritual interactive web show that is hosted by Elisa "Jordana" Schwartz every Sunday at 11am PST in place of her Sunday church service at the local church. The church she was attending refused to baptize her because she wasn't "close enough to God" so she started her own, The Kermitarian Church-a place without judgement. Kermit, thank you for loving me. I hope I was good to you. You have my heart forever. You inspire me in everything I do.
KAF is hosted by a relatively good-looking mid-30's lady named Elisa Schwartz. As you can tell from the show description, she is likely insane, probably does lots of cocaine, and coasts through life based largely on her middling looks. She named KAF after her dog, Kermit, who is pictured below.
Elisa_Jordana 1.jpg
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Elisa Jordana - Kermit WGFD.jpg

Elisa Jordana's feet pics
Elisa_Jordana feet 1.jpg
Elisa_Jordana feet 2.jpg
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Elisa_Jordana feet 4.jpg

As I explain below, this is a new low point for Elisa Schwartz. Unlike many people in Ethan Ralph's sphere, Elisa has some talent, and at one point was on track to have a successful career in show business. Elisa Schwartz used to be a keytarist for a chart-topping pop band called Cobra Starship. But how did Elisa go from Cobra Starship to hosting a failing internet show, and interviewing Ethan Ralph about his own failing show?

Let's look a little closer:

As a Jewish American Princess from New Jersey, Elisa has been trying to get famous since she was very young. She focused on music because that "was the only time . . . people paid any attention to" her. At one point her father got "got ripped off for thousands of dollars when producers promised him they could get [Elisa] a recording contract." Her parents eventually paid for her to attend Berklee College of Music in Boston, which is a pretty good school for aspiring career musicians. However, she was not finding success with that.

Eventually she met and started fucking someone in a new band called Cobra Starship (featuring the vocalist of Midtown, a relatively successful indie pop band). Because she was fucking someone in the band, and she wanted to be famous, they found a place for her in Cobra Starship. But things went south when Elisa became obsessed with the lead singer of the band, Gabe Saporta, and started fucking him on the DL. This led to an embarrassing and public falling out with Cobra Starship, whereafter they replaced Elisa with someone more talented, better looking, and not insane. Here Elisa explains what happened in her own words:
After I left home, I waitressed in NYC, took the occasional modeling job, go-go danced, and tried to navigate the music industry. Multiple times, I found myself alone with random "music producers" trying to get in my pants. . . . I experienced little to no success . . .

I had finally given up and accepted that I'd be a cocktail waitress and/or shady foot fetish model when I bumped into a guy at a nightclub who said he was forming a band and asked if I'd be interested in joining.

"Yes! I'll do anything!" I said too quickly, not looking very cool at all.

"Great, we rehearse Monday in Jersey City."

I forced myself to go to every single rehearsal, and worked 12 hours a day learning the songs he wanted me to play. I picked up a cool instrument, the "keytar," which is a combination of a keyboard and a guitar.

I loved being part of something—it was as if I finally belonged somewhere. When we left New York to embark on a national tour, I couldn't have been more excited. But I let my emotions get the best of me and ended up falling in love with my band's lead singer. He made my dreams come true . . . Our relationship was a secret I was not capable of handling. I wanted to tell the world about us. But instead, the whole situation just became really awkward. At times, it felt like I was in danger of being replaced.

...
Eventually, I recognized that my dreams hadn't come true after all. They replaced me with someone I'd never seen before—a younger, more attractive version of myself—with perfectly straight hair and a smaller nose. More devastation came when a few months later the band had a number one hit single on every pop radio station across the country. They performed at the MTV Video Music Awards that year, with my replacement front and center. I'd been dumped and fired from jobs before, but never one that gave me a constant reminder on how much I'd royally screwed up my life. I became depressed for years, and moved to California to escape the daily remembrance of how much I'd failed in New York. I was working at a bikini bar when my former band's song "Good Girls Go Bad" came on the radio. I never felt like such a loser in my life. I developed a stage name for myself, no longer being Elisa Schwartz but Elisa Jordana, hoping this new identity would bring me some better luck.

I became enamored with the comedy scene in LA. I needed laughter in my life, I was desperate for it. I started writing jokes but was too scared to perform them on stage. After dating a brilliant comedy writer while visiting New York, I ended up being inspired enough to submit material to The Howard Stern Show, where he worked. Eventually they hired me and I felt a little bit less horrible about myself.

As it turned out, The Howard Stern Show wasn't the best place to work for someone whose self esteem had been broken. When talk show host Jimmy Kimmel went on the air and said "Elisa Jordana isn't funny or talented," I just about lost my mind. When I got the opportunity to play some original music live on the show for record industry exec Tommy Mottola, he called my voice "thin," and said I should "stick to comedy."

Having Jimmy Kimmel say I wasn't funny and Tommy Mottola say I was a horrible singer made me realize something. I had been heartbroken. I'd been through humiliations. I'd had famous and successful people criticize me in front of an audience of millions. Of course I should've quit trying things, at least publicly.
There are many points of discussion here (e.g., her insecurity about her nose, her history as a "go-go dancer," her history in the "comedy scene in LA"), but the most significant is her sexual relationship with some pudgy Jewish Howard Stern Show stagehand named Benjy Bronk. When she got to Hollywood, Elisa began whoring herself out to celebrities such as Vin Diesel, Ethan Hawke, and David Blaine, but none of their fame rubbed off on her. Then one night she ran into this fat schlub Benjy and saw an opportunity. Using Benjy as a stepping stone, Elisa was able sleep her way into an occasional guest spot on The Howard Stern Show.

Unfortunately for Elisa, she was unable to parlay her time with the Howard Stern Show into a successful career, as the show's fans derided her as an annoying vapid fame whore whose only claim to fame was fucking a writer for the Howard Stern Show.

Eventually, it was revealed that she had done nude photo shoots for $$$ under the name "Juliet Shores." The authenticity of those photos was apparently later confirmed.
Elisa Jordana - Playboy.jpg
It appeared Elisa Schwartz would never be famous for anything respectable.

In a last ditch effort to become famous, Elisa started a podcast show called "Kermit and Friends," named after her little lapdog Kermit. Elisa has hosted KAF on several channels, including on two eponymous Elisa Jordana channels (here and here) and most recently a dedicated Kermit and Friends channel. Although it initially appears Elisa has only been doing KAF for a week (her oldest video "Introducing Kermit and Friends," was uploaded a week ago), she has in fact been doing KAF since at least 2015. Looking through the comments on her old videos, it becomes clear that she has always been disliked, both for her music, and for her personality. She is not new to hosting a web show. She is not just starting out. She has been at this a while, and she has always had the same level of success she currently has.

Because Elisa's now ex-boyfriend Benjy was at least somewhat connected in show business, he got famous people to attempt to listen to her show. Apparently Jimmy Kimmel was one of these people, and he did not have nice things to say about Elisa or KAF:

Elisa and Benjy split up a few years ago, and the Howard Stern Show cut ties with her. Elisa is apparently still trying to get famous, hanging around the showbiz scene trying to get people to take her seriously. She recently put KAF on its own Youtube channel, so maybe that's going to be her main focus now.

It's unclear how or why Ethan Ralph ended up on Elisa's unpopular KAF show. Elisa described Ralph as a "great guest that i'm super excited about... He's like a huge guy on the internet. He's a very successful uh youtube channel and a very successful online presence." It's quite obvious she has no clue who he is:
My theory is that Elisa knows Dax Herrera ("Dick Masterson") from the "comedy scene in LA," or someone associated with the Dick Show. He referred her to Ralph because nobody respectable wants to be on her unsuccessful show. But even though Elisa is a failure at doing a web show, she's still overall much more successful than Ralph, and hotter than any girl he's ever dreamed of banging. Thus, Ralph was happy to guest on her show, and he will probably start hanging off of her nuts like he does with Dax. No doubt Ethan Ralph dreams of one day fucking Elisa and smothering her with his sweaty gunt. Hey, she let Benjy fuck her; why not Ralph? Maybe he has a shot.

That's a pretty good rundown. I'll add more if I learn more.

EDIT 1: What a small world we live in. As it turns out, Elisa's dad, Frank Cucchiara, already has a thread on this site (thanks to juneaui for posting this info back in 2017). Here's Frank:
Apparently Frank is a total creep and a pedophile who has been accused of, inter alia, molesting Elisa and sexually assaulting dogs. He has or had a website (FrankieCucchiara.com now redirects to a Discord server, which I'm not signing up for) where he talks about wanting to legalize pedophilia and other perverted shit. He also has a Youtube channel ("HonestandFrank") where he rambles about the same.

Frank is such a creep that people started a petition to remove him from the internet. Among signatories of this petition was one "Cindy Schwartz" who claims to be "Elissa Jordana's mother." This is what Cindy wrote:
Cindy Schwartz · 6 years ago
This is important to me because I am Elissa Jordana's mother. Frank is her father. He wanted me to abort her but I didn't. The biggest regret of my life. Now she helps him look for children to think about sexually. I am mortified.
Cindy Schwartz . 6 years ago
This man is a mentally ill squatter who advocates pedophilia & internet harassment. He & my mentally ill daughter, Elissa Jordana are predators and should be investigated. My daughter & I no longer speak in part because of this pedophile. Thank you.
Holy fucking shit. Elisa's mom openly regrets not getting an abortion. That's like the biggest disavow of all time.

Another person named "Ryan Lever" wrote the following:
Ryan Lever . 6 years ago
Frank is a stalker and a molester of kids and animals. He once waved a flag in front of my elementary school for 4 hours and then exposed himself to me and a friend. Now Frank is on a webcast with an alcoholic woman named Elissa Jordana who has schizophrenia and many other mentally ill pedophiles & people with downs syndrome. They make up stories & rant about nothing then people show their penises. Elisa's mother Cindy & Frank her dad hate each other because now Frank is recruiting children Elissa finds on the internet and exploits them. They also make fun of people with cancer, Lyme disease and anyone else with a good head on their shoulders, friends, beauty and happy families. Please get rid of them both. He also molested my daughter. Thank you.
Ryan Lever . 6 years ago
Because he molested my daughter and he harasses people with a mentally retarded woman who looks like she's melting. Her name is Elissa Jordana, she is Honest Frank the pedophile's daughter. Thank you.

At one point Frank ran for Mayor of Mastic Beach, a little village on Long Island, NY. He of course lost.

Here are but a few videos he has posted on his YouTube:
Here's one where he's on Camera with Elisa.
A recurring theme is people say this guy is a pedophile, he's molested kids, and he has apparently sexually assaulted a dog on camera. I haven't personally seen all the videos of him admitting this stuff, but multiple people have referenced them, so I'll assume it's true for the time being.

TLDR: Elisa's father, Frank, is self-admitted pedophile and possibly zoophile who already has his own thread on Kiwi Farms in the "Horrorcow" subforum. Elisa allegedly worked with her father Frank to exploit underage girls for Frank's sexual pleasure. This accusation comes from Elisa's own mother, and other people in their community. Also, Elisa's mother openly regrets not getting an abortion.

After learning about Elisa's father, her life makes a lot more sense.
 
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I Digivolved Into A Loli?

HRT into a cute loli?
True & Honest Fan
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Apparently two of her guests knew who Ethan was. One's name was "DJ Smooth" pictured below.
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Elisa introduces DJ Smooth as "how we met I think." So DJ Smooth and his sidekick really don't like another guy who is on the show named Corey. They apparently have proof that Corey is trying to slide into the DMs of a 17 year old. It's all gay drama, but they want to have a "debate" on the Killstream which is supposedly why they got in contact with Ethan at all. They ask Ethan if they can have their spergfight on the Killstream and Ethan seems like he's only agreeing to it to avoid the stream being awkward.

Also when I was thinking of starting the thread on her (I'm glad you did it, you did a much better job), I searched her on kf. Someone made a thread about a person who is supposedly Elisa's father. This person is an alleged pedophile and pedophilia advocate. A person claiming to be the mother of Elisa and husband of this guy says that the father molested Elisa and that they are both insane. Also alleges that Elisa entraps children for her father to rape. This whole thing is a shitshow
 

#KillAllPedos

A Platform We Can All Believe In
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Apparently two of her guests knew who Ethan was. One's name was "DJ Smooth" pictured below.
View attachment 1831536
Elisa introduces DJ Smooth as "how we met I think." So DJ Smooth and his sidekick really don't like another guy who is on the show named Corey. They apparently have proof that Corey is trying to slide into the DMs of a 17 year old. It's all gay drama, but they want to have a "debate" on the Killstream which is supposedly why they got in contact with Ethan at all. They ask Ethan if they can have their spergfight on the Killstream and Ethan seems like he's only agreeing to it to avoid the stream being awkward.

Also when I was thinking of starting the thread on her (I'm glad you did it, you did a much better job), I searched her on kf. Someone made a thread about a person who is supposedly Elisa's father. This person is an alleged pedophile and pedophilia advocate. A person claiming to be the mother of Elisa and husband of this guy says that the father molested Elisa and that they are both insane. Also alleges that Elisa entraps children for her father to rape. This whole thing is a shitshow
No wonder she didn’t seem to care about Ethan Ralph’s revenge porn. She’s probably thinking “amateur! That’s nothing compared to what I’ve done!”

Seriously tho, it sounds like she and her dad deserve their own Internet Insanity.
 

Sriracha

kiwifarms.net
Also when I was thinking of starting the thread on her (I'm glad you did it, you did a much better job), I searched her on kf. Someone made a thread about a person who is supposedly Elisa's father. This person is an alleged pedophile and pedophilia advocate. A person claiming to be the mother of Elisa and husband of this guy says that the father molested Elisa and that they are both insane. Also alleges that Elisa entraps children for her father to rape.
Holy fuck I just read it her father is actually horrifying.
 

TriggerMeElmo

kiwifarms.net
Seriously, who are all of these loser orbiters that appear on this show? Just Howard Stern rejects as well? Does DJ Smooth even make music? I'd dig but I couldn't give a fuck about any of these nobodies because they're more boring than even funny/interesting.
 

AltisticRight

Free 🌽 202 E 37th St VA, Richmond, 901-922-9912
Local Moderator
True & Honest Fan
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Silicone boobs and a fixed Jew nose. At least the composition of those noodz aren't too bad. Far better than the peodopantsu ones Ralph took. Maybe the pig can invest in some studio lights. Is the piggie going to beat his little salami off to this thread?

I think he'd be aiming too high. He probably needs a device to lift his gunt up first, and then a microscope.
Good thread! Lots of nice info.
 

Bob Barker

Bob Barker
True & Honest Fan
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Now she helps him look for children to think about sexually. I am mortified.

Frank is recruiting children Elissa finds on the internet and exploits them.
That explains a few things....




in place of her Sunday church service at the local church. The church she was attending refused to baptize her because she wasn't "close enough to God" so she started her own, The Kermitarian Church
In case anyone thought this was just fluff:

Bonus: Her describing what her show is in her own words:


(all of this was clipped just from the ethan ralph stream, none of it is edited or modified in any way)
 

Cucktry Roads

kiwifarms.net
I knew this thread was destined to happen, but expected it on the general lolcow board. I'm reposting what I said in the other thread.

She has the looks and the charisma to run a show, but god is her show a mess and snoozefest. I watched the Gunt episode and basically anything we cared about was already put in this thread. The whole show was this

-She plays kids-esque singalongs about zebras and spider monkeys. Meanwhile two of her regularly guests were fighting over one of them having an arrest record for sexually harassing an underage girl. What is the target age group for this show?
-Her regular callers consist of 2 types of people 1)Low tier ZZZ-list people trying to create their own bloodsports, trying to become Z-list celebrities with their drama 2)Boomers trying to get a piece of the pie.
-Speaking of number 2, you should've seen it. One of her regularly callers was this fucking no talent boomer and was trying to talk her into giving him a contract or paying for him, knowing full well he doesn't and wouldn't contribute shit. When people call Reikita or Masterson Grifters, those 2 are childsplay compared to this crap.
-She at one point starting crying cause she has this troll in her chat that's obsessed with her and says that she wants him. His name is Alexander Octopus-Cortex (lol), think he was going with the animal singalong theme. I just couldn't tell if he's just an experienced troll and (((Current Year))) internet censorship has left her unable to cope with these types of people, or if the guy is actually mentally ill like that guy that used to call into Masterson's show who was obsessed with that Doctor.
-After crying, she started playing some songs on her keyboard about this guy, all while gunty was there. Which further validated what the guy was trolling/obsessing over her over.

I stopped watched halfway through cause 2 of the ZZZ-Tier celebrities (one even had a teenage follower on as well) were making the show unbearable.

Honestly, her show needs a lolcow thread of its own because how much of a mess it is. I honestly think if she got a producer and marketer to improve the show, she could hit it big.
 

AgriDrThunder

Shameful
kiwifarms.net
🙋‍♂️Hi Ms. Elisa SCHWARTZ🏴, I mean Jordana 🇯🇴! Please don't let the talk of your alleged "Jew nose" 🐽 sour you 🤮 to our forum. It's just that most of us are gay 🏳️‍🌈👬and we can be kind of catty 🐈 at times. We really do love ♥️ and celebrate 🥳Jews here. This website's owner is actually a known Jew :dienull:Jews Rock!✡️🇮🇱💰💎🤑✡️

Elisa is a beautiful name 😘 and you have stunning eyes like Liz Taylor 👀🦎 had. I've read a little about your career 🤩 and I think Gabe Sapatora 🐀is a real kike asshole and Victoria Asher is a pale imitation 👻 of you. I think naming your dog🦮 Kermit is so quirky and creative 🎨 and cool.😎

Would you be willing 🤞 to make an account here and come talk with us ⁉️ 🙏 Usually the mistake🤦‍♂️ people make when they get a 🆕 thread here is that they don't try 🙅‍♀️ to engage 🫂 with the audience. It is very likely that if you join and say 📣 your piece 💯 you could turn all of us in to fans📈. Please don't disappoint (:_(:heart-empty: me 💔Elisa.

Finally, whatever you do, do not let Ethan:gunt: try to 🍆💦🍑 you Queen 👑. You know he a bum ♿🐷 and he got no:gold: like you deserve.




This private information is unavailable to guests due to policies enforced by third-parties.
 

TheSimpShow

Professional Godwinson Impersonator
kiwifarms.net
🙋‍♂️Hi Ms. Elisa SCHWARTZ🏴, I mean Jordana 🇯🇴! Please don't let the talk of your alleged "Jew nose" 🐽 sour you 🤮 to our forum. It's just that most of us are gay 🏳️‍🌈👬and we can be kind of catty 🐈 at times. We really do love ♥️ and celebrate 🥳Jews here. This website's owner is actually a known Jew :dienull:Jews Rock!✡️🇮🇱💰💎🤑✡️

Elisa is a beautiful name 😘 and you have stunning eyes like Liz Taylor 👀🦎 had. I've read a little about your career 🤩 and I think Gabe Sapatora 🐀is a real kike asshole and Victoria Asher is a pale imitation 👻 of you. I think naming your dog🦮 Kermit is so quirky and creative 🎨 and cool.😎

Would you be willing 🤞 to make an account here and come talk with us ⁉️ 🙏 Usually the mistake🤦‍♂️ people make when they get a 🆕 thread here is that they don't try 🙅‍♀️ to engage 🫂 with the audience. It is very likely that if you join and say 📣 your piece 💯 you could turn all of us in to fans📈. Please don't disappoint (:_(:heart-empty: me 💔Elisa.

Finally, whatever you do, do not let Ethan:gunt: try to 🍆💦🍑 you Queen 👑. You know he a bum ♿🐷 and he got no:gold: like you deserve.




This private information is unavailable to guests due to policies enforced by third-parties.
This private information is unavailable to guests due to policies enforced by third-parties.
 

Crystal Golem

Please stand by...
kiwifarms.net
🙋‍♂️Hi Ms. Elisa SCHWARTZ🏴, I mean Jordana 🇯🇴! Please don't let the talk of your alleged "Jew nose" 🐽 sour you 🤮 to our forum. It's just that most of us are gay 🏳️‍🌈👬and we can be kind of catty 🐈 at times. We really do love ♥️ and celebrate 🥳Jews here. This website's owner is actually a known Jew :dienull:Jews Rock!✡️🇮🇱💰💎🤑✡️

Elisa is a beautiful name 😘 and you have stunning eyes like Liz Taylor 👀🦎 had. I've read a little about your career 🤩 and I think Gabe Sapatora 🐀is a real kike asshole and Victoria Asher is a pale imitation 👻 of you. I think naming your dog🦮 Kermit is so quirky and creative 🎨 and cool.😎

Would you be willing 🤞 to make an account here and come talk with us ⁉️ 🙏 Usually the mistake🤦‍♂️ people make when they get a 🆕 thread here is that they don't try 🙅‍♀️ to engage 🫂 with the audience. It is very likely that if you join and say 📣 your piece 💯 you could turn all of us in to fans📈. Please don't disappoint (:_(:heart-empty: me 💔Elisa.

Finally, whatever you do, do not let Ethan:gunt: try to 🍆💦🍑 you Queen 👑. You know he a bum ♿🐷 and he got no:gold: like you deserve.




This private information is unavailable to guests due to policies enforced by third-parties.
It's the yenta whisperer.
 

TheBeanz

Heinz Meanz Beanz
kiwifarms.net
Holy shit, this woman's crazy! I knew something was odd when I tuned into the tail end of the Ralph stream on the night to find her playing the piano and singing.

It's really weird Ralph was on that stream at all to be honest. In the clips he looks bored as fuck, like he had some sort of obligation to someone to be there.
 

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