Gunt Theme Park - A fantasy Theme Park Based on Ethan Ralph of The Kill Report

SuperMaleVitality1776

kiwifarms.net
Can not decide if the best part about this thread is the childlike imagination unleashed or the fact that it was established one day after a long ranting post about quality/ethics in shitposting.

The Pantsu Petting Zoo is an important addition . Feed your Pantsu a sugar cube or a very short and unimpressive carrot , but don't let your kids unsupervised for one second. Failure to do so might lead to your kids starting cutting themselves in puberty , developing a love for animu and an assortment of other 41% behaviour.

The Gator Gift Shop is conveniently located outside the Gates of Guntleland. Drop your least favourite kid off here to slave away stacking the shelves with off brand Metokur hats , erotic fiction of Gator seducing Nick the Spics hot blonde Puerto Rican mother and many other forgettable items. At the end of your trip pick up the dud of your DNA or don't , who cares.
 

Paddy O' Furniture

Corn Ops Veteran
kiwifarms.net
Can not decide if the best part about this thread is the childlike imagination unleashed or the fact that it was established one day after a long ranting post about quality/ethics in shitposting.

The Pantsu Petting Zoo is an important addition . Feed your Pantsu a sugar cube or a very short and unimpressive carrot , but don't let your kids unsupervised for one second. Failure to do so might lead to your kids starting cutting themselves in puberty , developing a love for animu and an assortment of other 41% behaviour.

The Gator Gift Shop is conveniently located outside the Gates of Guntleland. Drop your least favourite kid off here to slave away stacking the shelves with off brand Metokur hats , erotic fiction of Gator seducing Nick the Spics hot blonde Puerto Rican mother and many other forgettable items. At the end of your trip pick up the dud of your DNA or don't , who cares.
The hats never arrived. Fuckin' USPS fucks our grand opening again. A-logs, all of 'em!
 

Weeb Slinger

kiwifarms.net
“My cold dead hands muthufucka!”

Ralph World has barely been open five minutes in its new location (the third move in less than a year) and already trouble is brewing.

“Diabetes,” explains the agitated visitor. “Ruined the circulation in my fingers.”

He points towards a sign that reads: 'You must have consumed over 9000 calories and have a blood alcohol concentration level above .30% to enter the park.'

“I bin haffing troubles meetin' the requirements, e'er since my bellybutton piecing went awry,” he says. He raises his faded Air Wolf T-Shirt to reveal two rolls of flab stapled together with what appears to be a link from a pair of police handcuffs. An elongated 'Mama Tried' tattoo, in the process of being engulfed by the fleshy folds, resembles the opening screen crawl to a Star Wars film being drawn down into a black hole.

“I'm real strict 'bout who I let inside,” says the man on the gate (appropriately christened Gater by his parents, who were realistic regarding his future prospects). He loosens the twine holding up his pants and tightens a banjo string that he has coiled around his junk “fo' the purposes of seasoning.”

Most families choose to enter the park through the Tunnel of Dick – a darkened, above-ground wooden passageway, where minors are separated from their parents and placed in the care of low level drug dealers and aspiring child groomers.

Emancipated from the cloying attention of their legal guardians, a feral band of kids and their would-be molesters make straight for the Ralph Bounce – a variation of the traditional bouncy castle, designed to resembled the park mascot, Ethan Ralph, passed-out semi-naked on his back, in a drunken stupor. Today the bounce, which ordinarily dominates the horizon like a rippling pink hill, has deflated into a sticky, rubbery puddle, following what one park employee describes as “your garden variety bottle fight between newly-wed five-year-old cousins.”

I tag along behind a group of men as they amble towards a graveyard of rusted cars, propped-up on bricks in an overgrown dodgems arena, where they spend the next few hours silently knocking back hard liquor from the bottle, while Lynyrd Skynyrd plays over the public address system.

Back in the main park, 'Jinnie' has just come down off the big wheel – a ride intended to give visitors the sensation of what it is like to be as tall as Ethan Ralph.

“It was just like bein' in a real airplane,” she enthuses, beaming through the gaps in her front teeth. “All the people on the ground were as small as coon ants.”

As we are leaving the park, the Mark Collet ghost train rumbles into the station. A woman wearing a fraught expression runs towards the disembarking passengers.

“Have you seen my husband, Ezra?” she asks, franticly. “He was on the last train but he never came back.”

Nearby, a listing wooden noticeboard is covered in layers of missing person flyers relating to other passengers who all vanished under similar circumstances.

We repair to a local diner where bearded man in a dress, sitting in the doorway of a clapped-out RV, offers to suck my cock for 50c, while reciting his script for a live-action Sailor Moon movie.
 

Mr. Manchester

Ass Napkin PHD
kiwifarms.net
For food you have to have corn on the cob, the kind on the stick that they dip in butter.

Like Disney land they can sell Gunt Bux at the door, which is shady crypto backed by a mysterious Chinese company.

You also need the killstream hall of fame, which just an animatronic Dax. The Jim robot is coming soon, it'll be ready when Kill All Pedos decides to sell it to the park. For now its just recordings of Gator and a cardboard cutout.

For souvenirs they have big rubber gunts to wear, demon baby dolls and posters of Ralph-Chan

For fun games there's guess the temperature outside (it's not even hot) , Gatortime where you sweep up mean comments, DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM? where you are blindfolded and have to guess who is choking you, and CLOSE THAT DOOR! where you scream at Rand's wife until she goes away.

For rides you need the Late and Gay World, which is just a 15 minute boat ride playing the bojack theme.
 

Sam Losco

Delusional ResetEra tranny
True & Honest Fan
kiwifarms.net
You also need the killstream hall of fame, which just an animatronic Dax. The Jim robot is coming soon, it'll be ready when Kill All Pedos decides to sell it to the park. For now its just recordings of Gator and a cardboard cutout.
Wax statue of Rex Jones but with a picture of his dad's face taped on. A monitor next to it will show a looping clip of when Ralph tried to approach Alex in Atlanta and was basically ignored like the nobody he is.

A game where you drop an ammo box on a model of Rand. If you can crack the skull open you get a Rand doll.
A game where you are spun around to simulate being drunk and then you have to try and hit a cop.
 

PhoBingas

There are Bosnians outside of my house.
True & Honest Fan
kiwifarms.net
We will need to put Bibble in the petting zoo as well. $20 to feed him bananas and watermelon. The theme park will have no KFC, just in case riots break out.
I was thinking we could have some sort of basement tabletop shop / gaming area. Call it Bibble's dungeon; then he might finally find someone to play D&D with.
 

Fat Gay Riker

kiwifarms.net
"Its a gunt world after all" is the opening ride, recreating the life and times of Ethan Ralph with an MC Jarbo style intro song.
 

Hongourable Madisha

You see, some of us don't know English properly.
kiwifarms.net
Rubber dinghy rapids where the dinghies are in the shape of gunts. Only adolescents are allowed to ride.
 

Drew Pickles 69

I just wanna grill
kiwifarms.net
Will there be a makers mark lazy river filled beyond capacity with low income families with multiple children all from different biological fathers? Also I can't see the park charging any less than $14 per half eaten cheese burger.
 

thismanlies

Sacred Cows Make The Juiciest Hamburgers
True & Honest Fan
kiwifarms.net
No theme park is complete without the seedy pool with the gunt wave machine :gunt:
"Daddy! Daddy, I want to go to the wave pool!"

As your kid drags you by the hand towards the wave pool, you ask yourself why you ever promised to take him to Gunt World. The rides felt like they were held together with duct tape and the food was literally trash. You had to pay fifteen bucks just to reach into a hot trash can and pull a fucking cheeseburger out. But a promise is a promise and you hope the wave pool will tucker him out so you can drag his ass home. As you get closer to the pool, you notice something's gravely wrong. It's filled with people but the water's brown. Did everyone suddenly get the shits and not notice?

You try to pull your kid back. You hope that he's smart enough to not willingly jump into a giant sewer, but your hopes are dashed as he lets go of your hand and makes a mad dash towards the pool. You chase after him. As you run, you notice that the pool doesn't smell like a festering bog of shit, but rather like a crowded bar on steroids. You watch your kid jump in and you take off after him. But right as you get to the edge of the pool, a siren goes off. The swimmers cheer, with some of them slurring "It's wave time!"

At the far edge of the pool is a diving board easily forty feet tall. You notice for some reason it's much wider than your normal diving board and much thicker too. But before you can ask yourself why anyone would design a diving board like that, you see a rather large scissor lift pulling up to its base. It's here that you not only notice that there's no ladder leading up to the board, but there's a rather rotund man operating the controls. The lift carries him higher and higher until he steps off and onto the board. You see this seemingly reinforced diving board sag under his weight as he approaches the edge.

This rather rotund man takes off his t shirt and you're horrified to see his gunt. Years of horrible eating habits and excessive alcohol consumption have clearly taken their toll. His gunt hangs down almost past his knees but seeing how he carries himself, you'd almost think he was proud of the thing. He then shouts to the crowd "Good afternoon everyone! This is Ethan Ralph of the Killstream, how are y'all doing?"

The swimmers cheer in response but you remember you have to get your kid out of... whatever it is they're swimming in. You look for him but you don't find him until you hear him shout "Hurry up Dad! It's almost wave time!"

But before you can tell him to get his ass out of the pool, You hear Ralph shout "Who's ready for some waves, bitches?!"

The swimmers cheer in anticipation right as Ralph readies himself to take the plunge. Thinking quickly, you jump into the pool and swim as quickly as you can towards your kid. It's at this moment you realize what you're swimming in. It's a giant pool filled with Maker's Mark. You don't have time to wonder why someone would go through the time and expense of filling a swimming pool with booze. You just have to keep swimming towards your kid. You can only hope that Ralph grandstands a little. Maybe he can rile up the crowd by asking them to cheer louder or make some speech about how great he is.

But your worst fears come to pass as you hear the sound of a diving board springing upwards as if it'd just dropped a thousand pound weight. You see Ralph careening face first towards the pool with his mouth wide open. What follows is the sound that can only be made by a giant gunt breaking the surface tension of a liquid at terminal velocity. He seemingly disappears as a wall of brown liquid races towards you. The people closer to ground zero are lifted by the booze and their bodies turn into a giant wall of flesh ready to crush everyone in their path. You know that your survival is out of the question. But you hope somehow, some way, you can protect your only child from the humanity he has unwillingly subjected himself to.

The next thing you know, you wake up at the bottom of the pool. It's completely dry save for the sticky residue of liquor baking under the sun. You're alive. Somehow you made it. You see people coming to. Apparently that tsunami of bodies you saw hurdling towards you wasn't as lethal as you initially thought. But where's your son? You get up, finding yourself a little tipsy. But you still call out for him. Eventually you find him, alive and well. He's drunk as shit off the Maker's Mark. But he was able to survive by climbing onto a fat man and riding the wave on a fleshy raft. You breathe a sigh of relief. You're okay. But more importantly, he's okay. You take him and you tell him "We're getting the hell out of here."

As you leave, you turn back and wonder what happened to all the Maker's Mark. You get your answer when you see Ralph, still face down, drinking the entire contents of the pool. As he does, you see his gunt growing even larger. You turn away, shaking your head as you vow to never speak of Gunt World ever again.
 

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