Historical Lolcows -

Francis E. Dec Esc.

kiwifarms.net
There's also Daniel Sickles, a terrible general who nearly cost the Union the Battle of Gettysburg when he violated orders and moved his troops a mile ahead of where they should have been. Most of his solders were wiped out and he himself lost a leg. He donated the bones to what later became the National Museum of Health and Medicine, and visited them regularly.

Sickles_leg.jpg


Before the war, he was also the first person to plead not guilty to murder by reason of temporary insanity after he shot and killed his wife's lover. He was acquitted.
 

GethN7

EVIL HITLER BITCH
True & Honest Fan
kiwifarms.net
There's also Daniel Sickles, a terrible general who nearly cost the Union the Battle of Gettysburg when he violated orders and moved his troops a mile ahead of where they should have been. Most of his solders were wiped out and he himself lost a leg. He donated the bones to what later became the National Museum of Health and Medicine, and visited them regularly.

View attachment 622752

Before the war, he was also the first person to plead not guilty to murder by reason of temporary insanity after he shot and killed his wife's lover. He was acquitted.
He was somewhat an enforced invoking of this topic. Both North and South had a lot of generals who were in their positions for political reasons or get people of certain affiliations to enlist when they otherwise wouldn't give a shit, even though their own knowledge of their job was, at best, merely academic, practically none of them had practical battlefield experience useful in recent memory. Most of these guys were unquestionable lolcows too, which is why by the end of the war most of the ones who were still alive got shuffled off to tasks that would either get them killed or was shit an idiot couldn't fuck up if they tried.

Bonus LOL in Sickles' case, the lawyer who got him off with an insanity plea was Edwin M. Stanton, who later became Lincoln's Secretary of War, and originally had contempt for Lincoln, calling him "the original gorilla", the missing link between apes and humans.

However, Stanton eventually came to respect Lincoln and even mourned his passing, as did a bunch of other people who initially were lolcows in their own right but exposure to Lincoln eventually cured them of it to greater or lesser degrees.
 

Captain Manning

"Good luck, kid."
kiwifarms.net
Robert Tilton is a great example of a pre-internet sorta-kinda lolcow that was pretty successfully milked through video shared by means other than the internet.

Basically, a bunch of guys with a VCR (and too much time on their hands, apparently), noted his over-the-top delivery as a televangelist, and edited together a VHS tape of his sermons with well-timed fart sounds mixed in. Said VHS tapes were pretty well distributed beginning in the mid-80s. I remember seeing this played to a capacity crowd at "Midnight Madness," at Anime Central (of all places), in the late 90s, before Youtube and video streaming was a thing.

 

AnonAutismo

Ambassador of Autismo
kiwifarms.net
I'm a little bit shocked that no-one's mentioned Valery Fabrikant.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Valery_Fabrikant

The short version is that he worked in a Canadian University for several years as a professor, frustrating students and staff with narcissistic and rude behavior. He had paranoid delusions about not getting promoted to higher positions in the university and repeatedly tried to remove the names of professors with whom he had co-authored several research papers, wanting all the credit to himself. He tried every method under the sun to try and get this taken care of, complaining to people in higher positions of power, talking to news stations, and attempting a lolsuit. When he was cited for contempt of court in the middle of his own lawsuit he bought a gun and killed four of the people he was feuding with. Over usenet he argued with others and justified his actions, demonizing the people he killed and claiming that any reasonable person would've done the same in his position.
 

Ilikeoreos

Child of the 80s (or early 90s at least)
kiwifarms.net
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dennis_Rader

I was reminded of this guy the other day at the grocery checkout when I saw that People had a cover story about an interview with his daughter. He's mostly a horrorcow, but what really makes him an lolcow is the way he was finally caught - it had been at least 10 years since his last murder, but he was still sending taunting letters to the police. He eventually sent them a letter asking if it was possible to trace things from floppy disks. The police lied and said that nothing could be traced. Checking metadata on the disk he sent them was all it took for them to find information on his first name and place of employment. Even someone who knew nothing about computers should have known better than to think the police would be honest about something like that.
 

WatchingAllOfYou

Ceiling Cat is my soulmate
kiwifarms.net
upload_2019-1-29_16-17-12.png

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Laurel_Rose_Willson
https://www.therichest.com/buzz/infamous-liars-fooled-everyone-caught/
https://web.archive.org/web/20100223071146/http://www.cornerstonemag.com/features/iss090/sideshow.htm

https://swallowingthecamel.me/2011/07/02/the-prodigal-witch-ix-lauren-stratford/ | https://swallowingthecamel.me/2011/07/20/the-prodigal-witch-ix-lauren-stratford-part-ii/

TLDR: This fucking bitch claimed ever since she was a teenager that she was raped by pretty much any man that she interacted with, caused trouble wherever she went via tantrums and fake rape stories, forced her way into the Satanic Panic of the 80's, and ultimately pretended to be a Holocaust survivor (alongside another fake one, but that's something else.)
 

Francis E. Dec Esc.

kiwifarms.net
View attachment 652128
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Laurel_Rose_Willson
https://www.therichest.com/buzz/infamous-liars-fooled-everyone-caught/
https://web.archive.org/web/20100223071146/http://www.cornerstonemag.com/features/iss090/sideshow.htm

https://swallowingthecamel.me/2011/07/02/the-prodigal-witch-ix-lauren-stratford/ | https://swallowingthecamel.me/2011/07/20/the-prodigal-witch-ix-lauren-stratford-part-ii/

TLDR: This fucking bitch claimed ever since she was a teenager that she was raped by pretty much any man that she interacted with, caused trouble wherever she went via tantrums and fake rape stories, forced her way into the Satanic Panic of the 80's, and ultimately pretended to be a Holocaust survivor (alongside another fake one, but that's something else.)
Interesting seeing that Doris Sanford wrote the book on the left-hand picture. She made a minor career of creating books designed to shock and traumatize her audience of mid-1980s children into accepting Jesus and rejecting Communism. Awful Library Books has devoted multiple pages to her madness:

Satanic ritual abuse:

satancover.jpg


satan2.jpg



A Satanic Chinese Communist prison camp for Christians:

myfriend1.jpg


myfriend5a.jpg


AIDS is spread by the Communists:

david1.jpg


david4.jpg



Gay communists molest children:

Something-Wrong1.jpg


something-wrong7.jpg
 

Ilikeoreos

Child of the 80s (or early 90s at least)
kiwifarms.net
Interesting seeing that Doris Sanford wrote the book on the left-hand picture. She made a minor career of creating books designed to shock and traumatize her audience of mid-1980s children into accepting Jesus and rejecting Communism. Awful Library Books has devoted multiple pages to her madness:

Satanic ritual abuse:

View attachment 654368

View attachment 654374


A Satanic Chinese Communist prison camp for Christians:

View attachment 654372

View attachment 654371

AIDS is spread by the Communists:

View attachment 654376

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Gay communists molest children:

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I remember reading about that. There was a mass hysteria going during the mid 80s about Satanic rituals and abuse going on in daycare centers:
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/McMartin_preschool_trial
The mother who started these bizarre allegations was a known schizophrenic.
 

Karl_der_Grosse

in on the Killtaker
kiwifarms.net
I spent a lot of time in the 90s researching Mike Warnke, Bill Schnoebelin, Lauren Stratford, etc. I actually liked Michelle Remembers, it had this hilarious ritual where Satan himself showed up and started predicting the Triumph of Evil in really bad verse. And Schnoebelin's books are an unironically fun read. He could've been a pretty good novelist.
 

Francis E. Dec Esc.

kiwifarms.net
I spent a lot of time in the 90s researching Mike Warnke, Bill Schnoebelin, Lauren Stratford, etc. I actually liked Michelle Remembers, it had this hilarious ritual where Satan himself showed up and started predicting the Triumph of Evil in really bad verse. And Schnoebelin's books are an unironically fun read. He could've been a pretty good novelist.
Wasn't Schnoebelin the one who claimed Satanists turned him into a vampire and Jesus turned him back into a human?

Edit: Yep, that was him.
 
Reactions: Syaoran Li

Karl_der_Grosse

in on the Killtaker
kiwifarms.net
Yes, he was also a druid high priest, a wiccan high priest, a catholic priest, a freemason, a satanic high priest and a mormon priest all at the same time, if he's to be believed. He also teleported to a "Temple of Pain" on one of Saturn's moons and learned there that HP Lovecraft had been telling the truth about the terrible perils of the cosmos.
 

Apoth42

Hehe xd
kiwifarms.net
There's also Daniel Sickles, a terrible general who nearly cost the Union the Battle of Gettysburg when he violated orders and moved his troops a mile ahead of where they should have been. Most of his solders were wiped out and he himself lost a leg. He donated the bones to what later became the National Museum of Health and Medicine, and visited them regularly.

View attachment 622752

Before the war, he was also the first person to plead not guilty to murder by reason of temporary insanity after he shot and killed his wife's lover. He was acquitted.
Daniel Sickles (October 20, 1819 – May 3, 1914)

Sickles is famous for his ill concieved decision at the battle of Gettysburg to abandon General Meade's fishhook defensive line to a peach orchard but that is simply the conclusion of a crazy adventure.

-Rises through the ranks of Tammany hall to become a successful Democratic politician
-Marries a prostitute
-That prostitute cheats on him with his best friend
-He murders that best friend in broad daylight in-front of dozens of witnesses
-Claims he was consumed with rage and claims temporary insanity
-Wins historic case and becomes celebrity
-Forgives wife and becomes hated and mocked as a cucked loser

-General Johnson fires on Fort Sumter and the civil war begins
-Sickles sees a chance to restore his reputation
-Goes to the dockyards, gangs, bars, whore houses, homeless shelters to get rank and file
-Gets firefighters and policemen to become his NCOs
-The Excelsior Brigade and others are formed

-Lincoln is wary of Sickles for being a northern Democrat and suspicious of the brigade who had somehow already gained a reputation for being a bunch of criminals and degenerates
-Sickles is not made general of the men he raised

-Lincoln gets in trouble for leaked speeches
-Really huge deal that could end in impeachment
-Sickles immediately takes a carriage to save the President
-Concocts a exceptional plan
-The WhiteHouse gardener memorized the speeches and leaked them
-Whatever
-Sickles made Brigadier General by 1 vote in the senate with Lincolns blessing

-He had missed all of the cataclysmic Union defeats his brigade had to suffer through
-Does alright at the battle of Seven Pines
-Gettysburg
-Brigade is demoralized and exhausted from days of marching and losing
-General Meade orders Sickles to hold the southern part of his "fishhook" line, an extremely excellent position

-Sickles sees a chance to win glory
-Moves his boys off the hills to a peach orchard forward of the line
-CSA General Longstreet is pleasantly surprised to find that he no longer has to attack Sickles strong position
-Union soldiers get massacred and pushed back and the whole fishhook line is compromised
-Sickles gets his leg blown off
-Outnumbered brigades hold off the confederates at the defensive lines Sickles should have been holding

-"I won that battle, fuck general Meade"
-Dedicates his life to hating on General Meade and claiming to be the hero of Gettysburg
-Gets medal of honor
-Embezzles a shit ton of money through various positions in New York government
-Dies of syphilis old age a hero and gets a giant funeral

Sources:
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Daniel_Sickles
http://www.historynet.com/daniel-sickles-an-unlikely-union-general.htm
He's basically the American Santa Anna, everything he did was a fuckup but at the end of it he was a "war hero" with one leg that historians laugh at.
 

Nacho Man Randy Salsa

Kiwi Farms World Champion
kiwifarms.net
Is 20, 30 years ago considered historical? Because my pick are the Von Erich family, professional wrestling's greatest fuck ups.



From left to right, Papa Fritz, sons David, Kerry, Mike, Kevin, and little Chris in the front with the belt.

Out of all the sons only Kevin is still alive.

The Von Erichs were a wrestling dynasty in Dallas, big papa Fritz wrestled under a Nazi gimmick before becoming a born again Christian and partnering with Pat Robertson to run a wrestling promotion in Texas. His sons were the top stars and the family was promoted as a strong Christian family with high values.

Except not really.

Fritz was a scumbag who used his religion when it suited him and stiffed his children of their due money when they were filling fucking stadiums. His children were a bunch of drug addicts that regularly got in trouble with the law and Fritz greased the cops and news media to make their problems go away. He also bought them hookers to take their virginity and for Kerry gave him steroids.

He put so much pressure on his kids that one by one they all died in gruesome ways and Fritz took advantage of the deaths and exploited them.

David OD'd in Japan and they created a memorial service to sell out the Cowboys Stadium. After David died Fritz pushed Mike into the business when he never wanted to be a wrestler. Mike suffered an injury and got really sick to the point of suffering brain damage. Fritz being Fritz pushed him back into the ring. Mike shot himself soon after. Kerry was a regular fuck up, costing the business lots of money by abusing drugs, dealing drugs, getting hurt by drug induced accidents, before finally killing himself in 93 out of shame. Chris, the youngest, wanted to be a wrestler so bad, but he couldn't cut the mustard, killed himself as well.

The only one that survived was Kevin and he had his own issues too.

And all of that is only the tip of the iceberg with the Von Erichs.
 

Feathers and Stones

Ricardo Lopez the Second
kiwifarms.net
He has been mentioned before but Ricardo Lopez is definetely one of my favourites. At least he technically pioneered vlogging.
 

uncleShitHeel

Saddened by recent events
kiwifarms.net
Fanny Cradock.

Not originally a lolcow, she was one of the first celebrity chefs. However later in life she went into lolcowdom in a big way. In the 1950s she got a contract with the BBC to do cooking programmes and was very popular mainly because in austere post-war Britain she specialised in making tasty and exotic looking food at a low cost.

Unfortunately the fame bug got to her and in the 1960s and 1970s she became increasingly eccentric and insufferable. Esther Rantzen once described her as "hell on wheels" to work with and she routinely bullied the crew. She also had a husband, Johnnie, the love of her life, who played up the alcoholic Sir Bufton Tufton act (think the Major from Fawlty Towers) and probably was that in reality because he was married (bigamously - he never divorced his first wife) to her.

Oh yes. When his former wife died she put herself down as 55 on her marriage certificate. She was 68 at the time.

She used to appear on cooking shows wearing huge dresses in dayglo colours, dripping with chunky gold jewelry and affecting an aristocratic accent while patronising and belittling her audience while producing increasingly weirded out dishes and techniques. Innuendo was thrown in as well all over the place, probably deliberately - the classic one being "Follow these steps and your fairy cakes will look just like Fanny's" but also when she stuffed an icing bag up a turkey's arse and explained "this is how you lubricate a dry bird." Mincemeat omelettes were produced. Dayglo vegetable colours were also deployed liberally.

There were various assistants she had on her programmes, none of which were allowed to speak.

It all came apart, though, in 1976 when she appeared on a cookery programme with the winner of "Cook of the Realm" (sort of a predecessor to Masterchef) who gloried in the name of Gwen Troake, and patronised her, pretended to vom at her cuisine, and generally bullied her and the rest of the staff. Career over in milliseconds. She spent the rest of her life reeeeing at the damn dirty trolls (or equivalents thereof) who had ruined her career.

The problem was that she'd generated this character of the snooty, sneery, domineering domestic goddess and then become that character.

Here's an example. This is Fanny Cradock in 1963 when she was still fairly sensible:


And here's her in 1975 when the fame had got to her head:

The scariest part of that woman were her eyebrows.
 

Mrs Paul

Yinzer Kiwi
kiwifarms.net
I read an interview with one of the kids from the McMartin day care. He said they were really pressured to say that something happened to them, and he (and the other kids) would just come up with something just to get the psychologists to get off their backs.

John Ruskin. He was an art critic during the Victorian era who apparently freaked out on his wedding night when he discovered his wife had pubic hair, and thus their marriage was never consummated. Later their marriage was annulled, and he attempted to marry a teenage girl, but when her parents contacted his ex wife, they called the thing off. There's speculation he may have been a pedophile.

QUOTE="OhGoy, post: 3390269, member: 19572"]
pretty much every communist was a lolcow
[/QUOTE]

I don't know, Tito was pretty badass. He's alleged to have had Stalin killed. At the very least, when Stalin died, they found a letter on his desk from Tito:

"Stop sending people to kill me. We've already captured five of them, one of them with a bomb and another with a rifle... If you don't stop sending killers, I'll send one to Moscow, and I won't have to send a second."

Trump can be kind of a lolcow at times. His hissyfits about SNL, for example. I mean dude, just chill out.
 

queue-anon

kiwifarms.net
I read an interview with one of the kids from the McMartin day care. He said they were really pressured to say that something happened to them, and he (and the other kids) would just come up with something just to get the psychologists to get off their backs.
It's sort of a relief that that lunatic woman didn't manage to convince the kids something actually happened to them. I tend toward believing that Mia Farrow convinced Dylan Farrow she was molested.
 

5t3n0g0ph3r

kiwifarms.net
George B. McClellan
The amount of Civil War generals who could fill this list is staggering, but here are a few of the more promising ones:


John Pope: Bloodthirsty asshole who was supposed to replace McClellan, and wound up being worse, because at least the troops respected the former, while Pope made a point of bitching out the troops for not making him successful when it was his job to lead them to success. Such a prick he was that Robert E. Lee called him a piece of shit for his brutality and had a perfectly valid point at the time.


Joseph Hooker: He's where we get the word "hooker" from, and while he gets points for raising the morale of his troops, the fact "hooker" is slang for prostitute should give a big clue why that's not necessarily a good thing. Tended to shit talk his superiors all the damn time and fucked up Chancellorsville hard by being an overconfident SOB.


George McClellan: While later records would reveal his overcautious nature was partially due to getting shitty intelligence reports (that often overinflated the threats he had to face), even when he had clear advantages the man was a master of dragging ass, and the one time Lee fucked up and George got his hands on Lee's operational orders, he still managed to fuck up a chance to give Lee a potentially fatal asskicking because his penchant for dragging ass reared it's ugly head once again. Later tried to run against Lincoln, partially due to the fact Lincoln sacked his sorry ass for dragging it constantly.


Stonewall Jackson: Despite the positive reputation he enjoys in the eyes of some Southerners, he was regarded as an asshat teacher at the Virginia military academy, to the point he was known as "Tom Fool" for being an incredibly unhelpful douche to his own students, though at least his artillery classes were well regarded. The Stonewall name he earned is likely not originally supposed to be a compliment according to some sources, he was apparently regarded as an ass dragger when he got it (as in, he moved like a stone wall). He was also suspected to be an aspie and tended to hold one of his arms up in a weird form of salute often, convinced one arm was longer than the other and believed this helped circulation.
While I agree with about McClellan (he is in my personal shitlist of Civil War generals), I can't believe none of you mentioned this man:



Braxton Bragg, everyone!
Nepotism at its finest, he was only in his position because he was good buddies with Jefferson Davis.
He was such a crap general that his subordinate officers almost staged a mutiny to remove him.

Also, I would like to point to Roman Imperator Nero Cladius Divi Claudius filius Caesar Augustus Germanicus of being both a lolcow and a horrorcow. Not mention he has become a meme recently.
I present to you, Neckbeard Nero:





 
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Pickelhaube

The Deemomang, Scrumpy Swilling Extraordinaire
kiwifarms.net
Marc Lépine, the perpetrator École Polytechnique massacre is essentially a proto-incel. First person account stated he was an extreme anti-feminist, had some loveshy traits, and was prone to tard rages, which was why he flunked out of college and was fired from his job. His primary motivation for the shooting can be described as a self-righteous crusade against feminism, hence why all 14 of his victims were women before an heroing himself. His suicide note only further proves that he was a manosphere sperg.

Marc Lépine (translated from French) said:
Forgive the mistakes, I had 15 minutes to write this. See also Annex.

Would you note that if I commit suicide today 89-12-06 it is not for economic reasons (for I have waited until I exhausted all my financial means, even refusing jobs) but for political reasons. Because I have decided to send the feminists, who have always ruined my life, to their Maker. For seven years life has brought me no joy and being totally blasé, I have decided to put an end to those viragos.

I tried in my youth to enter the Forces as an officer cadet, which would have allowed me possibly to get into the arsenal and precede Lortie in a raid. They refused me because asocial [sic]. I therefore had to wait until this day to execute my plans. In between, I continued my studies in a haphazard way for they never really interested me, knowing in advance my fate. Which did not prevent me from obtaining very good marks despite my theory of not handing in work and the lack of studying before exams.

Even if the Mad Killer epithet will be attributed to me by the media, I consider myself a rational erudite that only the arrival of the Grim Reaper has forced to take extreme acts. For why persevere to exist if it is only to please the government. Being rather backward-looking by nature (except for science), the feminists have always enraged me. They want to keep the advantages of women (e.g. cheaper insurance, extended maternity leave preceded by a preventative leave, etc.) while seizing for themselves those of men.

Thus it is an obvious truth that if the Olympic Games removed the Men-Women distinction, there would be Women only in the graceful events. So the feminists are not fighting to remove that barrier. They are so opportunistic they [do not][73] neglect to profit from the knowledge accumulated by men through the ages. They always try to misrepresent them every time they can. Thus, the other day, I heard they were honoring the Canadian men and women who fought at the frontline during the world wars. How can you explain [that since][74] women were not authorized to go to the frontline??? Will we hear of Caesar's female legions and female galley slaves who of course took up 50% of the ranks of history, though they never existed. A real Casus Belli.

Sorry for this too brief letter.

Marc Lépine
Marc the "badass" said:
"Nearly died today. The lack of time (because I started too late) has allowed these radical feminists to survive.
Alea iacta est."
It remains as Canada's worst mass shooting in history and saw stricter gun control in Canada. December 6, the day the shooting took place is now Canada's National Day of Remembrance and Action on Violence Against Women.
 
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