Culture How I Seek Out Intimacy as an Asexual Person - But for me now, my asexuality feels quite strong.

Hey guys what's the deal with asexuals, am I right??


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Gengar

Dream Eater
True & Honest Fan
kiwifarms.net
From the best and brightest at Vice dot com:
I don’t feel sexual attraction or want to have sex. That’s what being asexual means for me. I had a conversation with a friend once and she was talking about boys she liked. And I said, “hang on, you’d want to bang that person walking past?” And she said, “yeah I would!” I couldn’t understand that. You see someone walking past and you think that you’d like to have sex with them? I’ve never met someone and thought, I’d like to fuck them. To me, that feels very alien and confusing. A lot of it comes down to the fact that I don’t feel sexual attraction. That’s what it comes down to for me, personally.

I feel romantically attracted to people, but it doesn’t mean that I want to have sex with them. Sometimes people expect that the right person will come along and I’ll think, Now I want to fuck you! But it’s not about finding the right person. It’s about something inherent inside of me.

I’m still trying to figure out physical closeness for myself. How can you show intimacy without being physically close to someone? How can you be romantically attracted to someone, without ever touching them?

My feelings on physical touch fluctuate. Sometimes I don’t want anyone to hug me, but sometimes I do want that closeness and for someone to hold me when I’m sad. It’s hard, because when you don’t know what your boundaries are for yourself, how can you dictate that to other people? I’m still trying to figure that out.

Would I ever want to kiss someone? Yes and no. My gut says no, mostly. There have been times when I’ve wanted to kiss someone, but I freeze and my brain shuts off. But kissing feels less intimidating than sex. It feels like something a part of me might want. I know that I never want to have sex—that’s a solid pillar for me. But touch feels more like a movable pillar for me. Sometimes I want touch; sometimes I don’t.

There are times when I envy people who can have sex. But at the same time, it’s not right for me right now. Nothing is ever set in stone, so I accept that I might one day change. But for me now, my asexuality feels quite strong.

When I was at school, and you’re a teenager just trying to fit in in this intense, peer-pressured environment, being asexual makes you feel even more different. I couldn’t figure out that everyone was having sex because they wanted to. I thought they were just doing it because they had to. I remember getting annoyed at films or TV shows, because they always had to have a sex scene. I’d think , What’s the point of this? It doesn’t push the narrative at all. Or with Buffy—she was a badass woman doing amazing stuff. I found it so annoying that she had to have sex, because I really wanted to be able to relate to her.

Being asexual can make you feel like you’ve missed a big punchline somewhere, like, everyone’s in on a secret but they’re not letting you in on it. There were times that I thought that one day the "sex" button would click, and I would just want to have sex. I think that deep down, there’s a part of me that still believes that might happen. But as I get older, I feel less likely that it’s one day going to happen. And I’m OK with it.

It’s only recently that I’ve got my head around being asexual. Now, I feel like I have more ownership over that term. A big part of that was meeting other asexual people. I have a friendship group of queer asexual people, which is amazing. We chat about sex, but also about totally unrelated things. Being around them, I don’t think, Maybe there’s a light switch in me that hasn’t gone off. Maybe I don’t need to bloom because I have bloomed. Maybe this is me—the weird, cactus-y, hairy flower that I am.

The way society reads relationships is very sex-based. You’re in a relationship with someone if you’re having sex, basically. But if you’re not having sex, what are you? You’re just mates. What I want to explore is how you can have a relationship that isn’t just sex based. How do we go beyond this? How can we radicalize normative, existing relationship structures?

I don’t particularly date, but I have asexual friends who do. One of them is in a relationship with a polyamorous person, which is really great, because their sexual needs could be met outside the relationship while still allowing their relationship to be a snapshot of what they needed for each other.

It feels quite taboo to say, “I never want to have sex, ever.” So finding other asexuals was really powerful for me, just to be able to hear people say things like that. I remember the first time I met asexual people, I just wanted to talk to them forever, because it was so empowering to hear your experiences reflected back at you for the first time.

I remember confiding in a friend that, for me, sex feels really violent. I can’t separate sex from violence in my head. And my friend just couldn’t understand it, and I felt so on the spot. For me, those two things are in the same box sometimes, even if I can’t explain why.

I identify as queer. A lot of people ask me, how can you be asexual and have a queer identity? But I don’t think sexuality is determined by who you’re having sex with. For me, being queer is about being radical—it’s about queering all forms of normative identity. It’s queering every space you’re in.

What I wish people knew about asexuality is that it’s OK not to have sex, and that it’s OK to have sex and to be asexual, and there’s no definitive asexuality. I don’t think your sexuality ever fully reveals itself. You just see glimpses of it. I would tell my younger self: "Hang in there, because although things might not make sense now, they’ll make sense later. And it’s okay to feel alienated. Don’t feel like you have to fit in and be 'normal.'"
 

break these cuffs

kiwifarms.net
I identify as queer. A lot of people ask me, how can you be asexual and have a queer identity? But I don’t think sexuality is determined by who you’re having sex with. For me, being queer is about being radical—it’s about queering all forms of normative identity. It’s queering every space you’re in.
Sorry snowflake, words have meaning. Also, you are a mentally ill degenerate.
 

shasetoma.

power errverwhelming
kiwifarms.net
Remember: it's not that these people are actually uninterested in sex; if they were, then they would plainly state it as such. This is just them wanting to make being sexually confused a major aspect and point of pride in their incredibly vacuous personality instead of the reason they can't get laid.
 

stupidpieceofshit

Halloween in January is better.
True & Honest Fan
kiwifarms.net
I identify as queer. A lot of people ask me, how can you be asexual and have a queer identity? But I don’t think sexuality is determined by who you’re having sex with. For me, being queer is about being radical—it’s about queering all forms of normative identity. It’s queering every space you’re in.
:story:Sexuality is determined by who (you would like to) have sex with... THAT THE THE WHOLE FUCKING POINT. Being asexual means you don't want sex with anyone. Fucking hell.

Also queering every space you're in...and you wonder why people "hate" you.... BE A GODDAMN NORMAL HUMAN WHO ISNT FOCUSED ON SEX(UALITY) ALL THE FUCKING TIME. Fucking hell do these people think pornos are examples of normal human interaction?
 

Clop

kiwifarms.net
So far I've personally known three asexuals in total.

First one was an anorexic goth chick who was fucking insane.
Second was some feminist lady who was looking for dates online with a firm "no sex"-policy. No luck, she said.
Third was a woman who changed her mind once she actually had sex. After that she was quite okay with fucking, to the point of taking serious risks with it.

Take that as however you wish. To me it just sounds like regular ol' fear making you shrivel up dry, or some major delusional "only a good man would care about me if I withheld my pristine golden pussy" thinking.

But kissing feels less intimidating than sex. It feels like something a part of me might want. I know that I never want to have sex—that’s a solid pillar for me. But touch feels more like a movable pillar for me. Sometimes I want touch; sometimes I don’t.
Uh-huh. Sure.
 

Graffiti canvas

True & Honest Fan
kiwifarms.net
This whole diatribe was confusing until this:

I identify as queer. A lot of people ask me, how can you be asexual and have a queer identity? But I don’t think sexuality is determined by who you’re having sex with. For me, being queer is about being radical—it’s about queering all forms of normative identity. It’s queering every space you’re in.
Then it became clear.

>Labels themselves and strives to stick out like a sore thumb in every space they're in to not fit in with others intentionally

>Pisses and moans to a snowflake online trash publication about how they don't fit in and feel marginalized
 

Bon Bon

My name is Amanda Hugankiss, this is my story.
kiwifarms.net
Is Asexuality real? Probably yeah. Is asexuality nearly as common as some people might want you to think? Noooo

Other than that, I've personally always considered asexuality more of a state than its' own sexuality, people with trauma, sex repulsed teenagers and all sort of different people can be put in a position where they might be able to validly identify as "asexual", but it may not be permanent, it can pass like a phase or they might find someone for them who changes their feelings about sex. I'm cool with ace people but I'm not a fan of lobbying to be part of the LGBT community.
 

Snuckening

kiwifarms.net
TL DR [Squeezes out a loud, wet fart. Shuts eyes and inhales deeply. Smiles a blissful, satisfied smile.]

"it’s about queering all forms of normative identity. It’s queering every space you’re in."

So, your space suddenly "queering" means an asexeual is around? Like how miIk suddenly souring was a sign that witches were around?
 
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Basketball Jones

kiwifarms.net
Or with Buffy—she was a badass woman doing amazing stuff. I found it so annoying that she had to have sex, because I really wanted to be able to relate to her.
Buffy came out when I was in middle school... fucking Angel, Spike, or Riley (was that his name? The marine-guy?) despite being 13 and a virgin had no impact on my ability to relate to her. That’s dumb.

We chat about sex, but also about totally unrelated things.
Of course you do. “Asexuals” think about sex way more than everyone else on the planet. It’s the weirdest facet of the identity.

The way society reads relationships is very sex-based. You’re in a relationship with someone if you’re having sex, basically.
The rest of society has no problem getting laid. I know a girl with a bit of the tardism that managed to get laid...so like...what’s your arguement?

Also people fuck without being in a relationship. For some people, the sex is the way to test the waters and see if they “click” sexually. Physical intimacy is very important in a relationship. It’s not everything, but the chemistry is very important.

What I want to explore is how you can have a relationship that isn’t just sex based. How do we go beyond this? How can we radicalize normative, existing relationship structures?
Bitch, pull over. Relationships don’t need “radicalizing.” Radicalizing everything is why your dumb ass is fucking single and sexless.

I don’t particularly date
Shocker...

I remember confiding in a friend that, for me, sex feels really violent. I can’t separate sex from violence in my head. And my friend just couldn’t understand it, and I felt so on the spot.
...Unless you were abused, assaulted, or grew up in a very cultish religious household that taught you these things, there’s no reason to think that as an adult. Unless, you’ve aligned yourself with a cultish group of people that radicalize everything and can paint something as basic as kissing and hugging into something that needs to be feared?

Or this was a really stupid way to say that you’re scared to have sex because the first time is scary. It’s scary to be that vulnerable and to give a part of yourself to someone. But it’s no wonder you’re squicked by sex when you align human intimacy with violence. Your perspective needs radicalizing...

I identify as queer.
SHOCK. Add another label! That’ll explain everything! You know... A word already exists to explain why you aren’t having sex. It’s called “unfuckable.”

But I don’t think sexuality is determined by who you’re having sex with.
It literally is. Because no matter how you try to change up the language, people are going to be attracted to who they’re attracted to. And words already exist to explain those attractions. Yours is just that no one wants to fuck you. Also I noticed you said you’re attracted to “people” in this article... is this s really passive way to come out as a Lezzie to your parents? Is that why sex is “violent” to you? Because penis = bad?

For me, being queer is about being radical—it’s about queering all forms of normative identity. It’s queering every space you’re in.
This is why no one wants to fuck you...

What I wish people knew about asexuality is that it’s OK not to have sex, and that it’s OK to have sex and to be asexual, and there’s no definitive asexuality
Oh we’re at the patronizing part of the article. Where the author has to explain that just because they spent 12 paragraphs explaining why they totally don’t want to have sex and how they’ve come to terms with their “asexuality”, it doesn’t mean that once they have sex they’ll magically stop being a special and unique flower.

I don’t think your sexuality ever fully reveals itself. You just see glimpses of it.
Wow. Such deep. Much real.

I would tell my younger self: "Hang in there, because although things might not make sense now, they’ll make sense later. And it’s okay to feel alienated. Don’t feel like you have to fit in and be 'normal.'"
Yeah, hang in there champ! One day you’ll write an article expounding how not-normal you are as a means to assert that your abnormalities are completely normal by no one’s standard except your own! It gets better!
 

SuperDeeDuper

it's a show stoppin' Zany kind of popcorn!
kiwifarms.net
Also queering every space you're in...and you wonder why people "hate" you.... BE A GODDAMN NORMAL HUMAN WHO ISNT FOCUSED ON SEX(UALITY) ALL THE FUCKING TIME. Fucking hell do these people think pornos are examples of normal human interaction?
really hated how they shoe-horned this 'ace' bullshit into bojack this season, felt so out of place and was just unfunny
 
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