Personal Lolcows

Judge Holden

True & Honest Fan
Feb 12, 2013
Admin Note:
Thread is for people or groups that are bizarre and consistently funny, but not quite a lolcow because they either aren't from the Internet or only behave around you or your friends.

Ok, this is a thread for the "minor" lolcows in our lives. People or groups who are just hilarious to play poke the bear with and whose impotent shrieking fury, melodramatic and sanctimonious self pity, or utter insanity makes our inner troll glow with happiness. What qualifies them as "personal" are that they are either so minor as to be unknown even to the internet, or so nebulous and wide as to be impossible to make a good thread out of.

Right now mine are Crazy Nationalist fuckwads. Both at home (dear god the sheer insanity of BNP supporters these days) and abroad (with argentina being my current favored foreign target because merely saying the word "Falklands" instead of malvinas can get you a thousand shrieking accusations of being an evil imperialist pirate if you leave it in the right place, and thats before we get into Belgrano Jokes) these unlovable cunts are guaranteed to respond to your tiniest poke with lengthy and hilariously pompous, jingoistic, delusional, and mastabatory speeches on how much of an evil untermench you are and how their fatherland will one day throw off it's hated quizling government and RULE THE WORLD/Control the Continent/Crush all it's enemies/Get revenge for some pathetic slight that happened centuries ago

EDIT BY @Randall Fragg
Since this thread began we've had several particularly funny tales which I have decided to include in the OP as a "Hall of Fame"
Speaking of which; more fucking storytime for Benito since... well shit happened. Thanks to @D.Va for a permalink for the earlier stories:
Part I: I Stole Food From the Homeless
Part II: It's Not Coolwhip, it's Lard
Part III: I Must Consume your Newborn Child
Part IV: You Use Soap?
Part V: Reader's Special
Part VI: Editor's Response #1
Part VII: Editor's Response #2
Part VIII: Do you Even Lift?
Part IX: Editor's Response #3
Part X: I Fail at Tutorials
Part XI: Da Bubble King: Benito in Action
Part XII: His Parents Have Given up on Him
Part XIII: Destroyed Five Toilets... Almost too Many to Count
Part XIV: At Least You Aren't Benito
Part XV: Want Woman
Part XVI: Benito's YT
Part XVII: Grey Matter
So Benito was once one of many mods for this forum that at best had maybe a dozen or two dozen people on at a time. The site was originally some little art/video game forum that sprung up on the Invisionboards a good while back, and he was part of the original gang. This group was rather small and reclusive originally, with maybe about 50 members at most, and few on all at once.

This place also had a couple of people who would eventually become Youtubers who was a medium hit in the 2008-2010 era of the site. One of them even managed to make it on the old Retsupurae list, and I mean the real one, since his camera LPs were notoriously hard to watch. Regardless, both had a viewership in the thousands, and when one of them referenced this site, a new wave of forum goers (including myself) went there. This crop mostly gelled well with the group, especially after many of them left when they realized the youtuber didn't hang on that site. However, they did have some different values than the old guard; namely they were not entirely averse to shitposting and holding debates (I may have been a member of this faction).

This was a big no-no on the board, since the old guard, especially the site owner and Benito, downright were terrified of both doing their jobs as mods and were thin-skinned as all hell. They did not want people disagreeing with them and they really were abjectly terrified of trolls, despite wielding the powerful banhammer. Yes, Benito and his joyboy the site owner (let's call him Jeff, who is a minor cow in and of himself), are so cowardly that despite having the ability to ban people, they would shit themselves when faced with weens and shitposters.

Despite this, a lot of the new blood wanted to have a debate forum; so many in fact that some of the old guard actually pushed for it as well, since they saw how many of the active posters wanted it. So after some bitching and arguing, a poll was held over the course of a week which would determine whether or not this site would get that debate forum.

The voting was actually somewhat close, but it was pretty clear that the ayes were winning; something like 55-60% were for it. Then, about 18 hours before the vote would close, about five or six people all voted for no, within the span of minutes. An hour later, Benito closed the poll, and smugly remarked that the issue was closed. Problem was is that while fucking autistic the forumbase was, they as a whole were still smarter than Benito.

It was pretty suspicious that within the span of a day, six members (which was a decent block mind you), many of which were not active for years or brand new, would all simultaneously beeline towards the poll, vote, and then leave. Then add that to how quickly Benito closed the poll. Combine this with a confession a day or two later, and blood was in the water. The userbase actually rioted, to the point where joyboy or not, Benito had to be slapped on the wrist for blatantly rigging the poll. This and a minor purging of the most outspoken of the new crowd would lead to the site's decline, and eventual annihilation by a :epik: .

Which leads to a bit of a post-credit stinger; when the :epik: managed to hijack and completely purge the site of members, thus basically causing it to die, Benito actually broke down and sobbed, which was more of a reaction than any other time ever; including when his dogs ran away or when his grandma died.
Dramatic Reading by @TheImpotantFart
Since @TheImportantFart mentioned possibly reading them, and because there's getting to be a lot of them, here's a megapost of all the substantial Jeffrey stories thus far:
First up is Cousin Jeffrey. Jeffrey is (obviously) my cousin on my dad's side. He's around my age (early 20's), but he's a spoiled, bratty child of a man. If you watched American Horror Story: Freak Show, he and his mother are basically real-life versions of Dandy and Gloria Mott. If you haven't, I'll elaborate. Jeffrey's mother, my aunt, is a single woman who basically bends over backwards for him. She coddles him and does literally everything for him, and he openly and shamelessly treats her like shit. He constantly berates her, and I have heard the phrase, "mom, don't talk like an idiot," or some variation of it enough to be a millionaire if one could get paid for things like that.

His treatment of the rest of the family isn't really any better. A few years ago, when he was about 16, my family threw a birthday party for my younger cousin (not Jeffrey's sister, he has no siblings; she's from a different uncle). She was about 8 at the time, and we had a Pokémon themed party for her. Well, Jeffrey wanted the decorations for...some reason. I honestly still have no idea why he wanted them. He likes Pokémon, but there was no reason for him to want them. He asked his aunt, her mother, if he could have the streamers that the birthday girl's sister made for her, and when he was told that he couldn't, he sperged out and ripped them down. This, of course, caused his aunt to get pissed off at him. She started yelling at him, so he went over to the table where the presents were neatly stacked and knocked them all over (it was later found that he'd even managed to break one of them doing this). He flipped us all off and stormed out of the house. His mother apologized on his behalf, looking like she was about to cry (and I don't blame her), and followed him out and they left. I later learned that the most punishment he'd received from this was having his computer taken away from him...for the rest of that day only. Again, this was when he was 16. A 16-year-old threw a temper tantrum because he wanted the decorations for an 8-year-old's birthday party.

He's only gotten worse since then. Since graduating high school, he's gone on to do absolutely nothing at all. He did get a job a couple months after graduation, as a stockperson at a local grocery store. I don't really have any specific stories from that, though I do know that he was a stubborn and difficult employee who yelled at a customer on at least one occasion. He only got that job because the son of a friend of his mother's was a shift manager there. Much like Len Shaner at Sears, having connections to a manager allowed him to get away with tons of shit that should've gotten him fired. He only worked there for about five months. That manager got transferred to another store, and the new manager wouldn't put up with Jeffrey's shit and he got fired pretty soon after. Since then, he's done absolutely nothing but sit around playing video games and leeching off of his mother. Pretty much everyone in the family hates him, not only because he's an asshole, but because he "sucks the life out of her," as they say. They're pretty mad at her, too, for letting him get away with everything, but they generally hold her in higher regard. Jeffrey's probably aware that most of his family hates him, but he most likely doesn't care. Shame's never been an emotion that came easy to him.

And yes, he's autistic. But he's still a spoiled asshole.
So, back in 2009, Jeffrey decided that he wanted a Nintendo Wii. He already had a PS3 and an Xbox 360, but we had a Wii, and Prince Jeffrey hated the fact that someone else had something that he didn't. His birthday's pretty close to Christmas, so his mother would have the family over to their house every year in a simultaneous Christmas/Birthday party. Jeffrey would always have to wait to open his Christmas presents, because of the "birthday" aspect of the get-togethers.

Well, again, Jeffrey had decided that he wanted a Wii in 2009. Whatever Jeffrey wants, Jeffrey gets, so of course he got one for his birthday/Christmas. Given the fact that he was (and still is) a spoiled brat, watching him open presents tended to be...unpleasant. Especially if he didn't get what he wanted. So, he got the Wii, along with a shit-ton of games and the balance board. You'd think that this would be an awesome present, right? Wrong. See, New Super Mario Bros. Wii had just come out the previous month, and of course, Jeffrey really wanted it. He got around ten games, but not that one.

Instead of appreciating what he did get, Jeffrey was furious and asked his mother to follow him to another room. The door was shut behind them, but we could all hear Jeffrey yelling at her about "ruining [his] day," and telling her to "stick to the list" (referring to the fact that she'd gotten him games he hadn't asked for. They returned and acted as though nothing had happened, and the party awkwardly continued. That was a regular occurrence with them. They'd try to keep up a normal appearance, but it was pretty obvious that Jeffrey ruled over that house with an iron fist.

And for the record, he barely even used that fucking Wii. He played it for, like, three months and then never again. Last I heard, it was sitting in its box in his closet. He literally just wanted it to have it.
Despite his terrible personality, Jeffrey's reasonably attractive, appearance-wise. He knows it, too, and goes out of his way to make sure he looks good. He's the type to gel his hair and spray cologne for a trip to the store, just so he can be the best-looking person in the building. Yes, he actually has said this out loud. His looks don't really help him much, though, because he's terrible at acting like a normal person for extended periods of time. He can be personable when he wants to be, but don't you dare disagree with him, or do something he doesn't like, or there will be hell to pay. Needless to say, he's...not much of a dater.

However, he did manage to get a girlfriend when he was 18. As I said, he's capable of acting like a normal person when he wants to, and he managed to seduce a poor girl. For a few months, everything actually went pretty well for him. He started being less of a dick, and actually started acting almost pleasant. It seemed as though this was the first time he'd genuinely cared about another person beyond their utility to him. But unfortunately, it didn't last.

After about four or five months, he started getting really clingy and jealous. From what I observed, he basically required her to be at his beck and call and she pretty much had to update him with her location at all times. He always accused her of cheating on him, even though (to my knowledge) he had no reason to believe she was. I'm not sure if he ever physically abused her, though I did see him manhandle her on more than one occasion. She told me once that he'd threatened to beat her 'till she was unrecognizable if he ever caught her cheating.

After they eventually broke up, I learned the real reasoning behind all of this. Apparently, Jeffrey, aware of the fact that he wouldn't always have his mother, was attempting to get a girl to fall for him so he could marry her and leech off of her like he currently does to his mother. He chose her in particular because she was a med student, and he figured that if she became a doctor, she'd have a lot of money and he wouldn't have to work. His paranoia about her cheating caused his regular personality to show through, which caused her to dump him for being "a child."
Jeffrey is autistic, but he's not that autistic. He's just got a shitty attitude, and was coddled too much by his mother. If anything, I think he might be a sociopath. He still went to normal school and took normal classes. He and I went to the same school, actually, but I generally tried to avoid him. He was in some of my classes, though, and was as immature and uncooperative as ever.

He'd go out of his way to disobey teachers whom he didn't like. Seeing as how he didn't like anyone who corrected him, or did things to inconvenience him, he was generally a problem student. One time, for example, after a teacher got mad at him for not doing his homework, and punished him, he sat there in silence for about ten minutes with his head down. About ten minutes later, he stood up, called the teacher a bitch, and then started screaming at her about how she'd "bully" him and stuff. He was, like, half screaming half crying. Keep in mind that it was entirely his fault in the first place. He never did his work in that class. He screamed at her for a good ten minutes, punched the blackboard hard enough to leave a small dent, and stormed out of the classroom. The teacher calmly called the office, who then radioed one of the security guards, who caught him in the hall and escorted him to the office. He got suspended for a week, and was kicked out of the class. He'd been a shitty student the whole year, and the teacher probably used the incident as an excuse to get rid of him.

His relations with fellow students weren't much better. As would be expected, he had a reputation as a dick around the school. Nobody really liked him. They tolerated him at best, and hated him at worst. I had the same gym class as him. Our gym class was pretty awesome, because the teachers pretty much just let us do whatever we wanted as long as we were up and about. Jeffrey really liked to play four square ("playing some square," he'd call it sometimes). If you read the other stories, you probably know where this is going. Jeffrey HATED getting out. Any time he got out, he'd stomp his foot really loud, or punch a wall, or scream obscenities. Other people would make fun of him behind his back for this. Sometimes, he'd angrily spike the ball really hard, or yell at the person who got him out. On a few occasions, he even tried to whip the ball at them. One time in particular, this one kid who was also known for having his fair share of anger problems (though he wasn't nearly as immature or spergy as Jeffrey) played, and got Jeffrey out. Jeffrey immediately goes into full-on sperg mode and starts getting in the kid's face and cursing at him. The kid, who by this point had had quite enough of Jeffrey's shit, pushed him so hard that he fell flat on his ass. He ended up getting in trouble for it, but I'm sure it was worth it, because Jeffrey was quiet for, like, a week after that.
This is a shorter one. One cool thing about Jeffrey is that he has an in-ground pool at his house. His mom's pretty rich, so they can afford stuff like that. We used to like to go over to his house just so we could play in the pool. That stopped when I was 13 and Jeffrey was 14. My sister (who was 11 at the time) and I went over to Jeffrey's house while our parents went...somewhere. I forget. But it doesn't matter.

We played video games for a while, when it was suggested that we go swimming. We'd been getting along with Jeffrey fairly well that day. Or at least as well as you can get along with him. Well, my sister kept spraying him with a squirt gun. It annoyed him, so he told her she'd regret if she did it again. She never gave a shit about his threats so she did it again just to spite him. He went over to her and dunked her head under the water and held it there for about 20 seconds before I realized that he wasn't about to let her up any time soon. So, I did what any good brother would do: I tackled him (about as well as you can tackle someone in a pool) and punched him in the face. My sister was okay, but she was naturally a little shook up at first.

We got out of the pool and just for good measure, I punched him in the stomach now that I could. After he regained his composure from that, he tried to tell his mom that we ganged up on him to get us in trouble. She believed him, of course, and called our mom. Luckily, mom believed us, and we didn't go over to Jeffrey's for a while after that.
He's relatively young (gonna be turning 22 in December), but his hairline's already starting to recede. At this point, he's still got enough that if he styles it right, it's not too noticeable, but it's still pretty damn visible otherwise. Because of this, he spergs out whenever someone touches his hair, or his hat when he wears one.

He rages at video games when he loses. He's broken no less than five controllers in his lifetime, and once bragged about how he could break them as he pleased because his mom would just go get him a new one right away.

His favorite shirt is a black one that says "YOU ARE IN THE PRESENCE OF GREATNESS" in big yellow and white letters. Given his personality, I'm sure he genuinely believes that about himself. That's supported by the fact that he wears it a lot. In school, I'd see him in that particular shirt more than any other. (With some googling, I found the exact shirt that he has)

The reason his mother puts up with his shit to such a degree is a combination of apathy on her part and the fact that his dad left them when he was three.

He routinely shoplifts from his local Wal-Mart whenever he and his mother go shopping. That's the only reason he goes with her. "Doing his shopping," he calls it. His mother's rich enough that they could buy pretty much anything he'd want there, but he does it to "save money." As far as I know, she has no idea that he does it, but he brags about it to be an edgelord.
Despite him being eight months older than me, I learned to drive before Jeffrey did. There was no reason for him not to be able to, but he was happy getting carted around by his mother and the school bus. His excuse for not getting his license? "I've got ADHD, so I can't focus well enough to drive." Nevermind the fact that he took medication for it, which nullified that already-flimsy excuse. Well, this was one of the few occasions where my dad actually decided to step in. Jeffrey's mom is his sister, and he doesn't get involved too often, but every once in a while, he'll go over there and yell at Jeffrey for something. Jeffrey's a defiant little shit, but my dad's a pretty intimidating son of a bitch, and actually has way more authority over Jeffrey than his mom does. Needless to say, Jeffrey hates my dad.

Anyway, so after my dad made Jeffrey get his learner's permit, he needed someone to teach him to drive. Guess who got that prestigious honor? That's right. Me! My dad had me do it 'cause I already knew how to drive, and "since you're around his age and learned more recently, you'll be better at it." That's what he said. It was also because he didn't want to do it. I don't blame him, actually. I didn't want to, either. So, we drove to our school parking lot. They've got a relatively big one, and they leave it open when school's not in session, so a lot of parents go there to let their kids drive around it. I parked in a parking space, got out, and let Jeffrey take the wheel. First thing he does after turning the key and throwing it in reverse is to floor the gas pedal and slam the back of the car into a lamp post.

I told my dad I never wanted to teach Jeffrey again after that, and he told me I didn't have to anymore. The damage wasn't too bad, just a dent in the back and a destroyed tail light. Jeffrey tried to blame it on me, but nobody believed him. He never did get his license, though he did eventually learn to drive better. He drives his mom's car despite not having a license, and the fact that he's not gotten into legal trouble over this is pure luck on his part.
Here's another short one. So, like I said, Jeffrey and I had to spend lots of time together due to being close in age. Like pretty much every other person he's ever come into contact with, my friends all hated him and generally avoided coming over while he was there. Well, this one time, my friend Mike came over while Jeffrey was there. Now, Mike can be a bit of an A-hole too. He'll sometimes go out of his way to piss people off, though unlike Jeffrey he knows when to stop. Mike was a relatively new friend, so he didn't know Jeffrey too well at the time.

Regardless, he took Jeffrey's phone when he sat it down. Annoying, sure, but how did Jeffrey react to this? Why, completely rationally, of course! He started having a fit of tard rage, and grabbed a pair of scissors. He tackles Mike and tries to stab him with the scissors. He actually got him once, too, in the leg. He didn't do any damage, but he did break the skin and draw blood. My mother heard the commotion and stepped in. She separated the two, and made Mike give Jeffrey back his phone. Mike apologized, and after she left he said "by the way, this hurt," before taking the scissors and pricking Jeffrey with them.
For as long as I can remember, Jeffrey's been something of an edgelord. Like most kids, he's gone through his fair share of phases throughout his life. The first of which that I can clearly recall was his "wigger/rapper" phase. When we were in fifth grade, he got real into rap music. He's always been somewhat racist, though, so he'd only really listen to Eminem. He was completely obsessed with Eminem. Literally. Like, it was kinda creepy at times. Like, I remember this one time he was talking to me about how he wanted to cut Eminem's arm, get some of his blood, and transfer it into himself. In his mind, this would make him "related" to Eminem, since his blood would be inside of him. Yeeeaaaahhhh...anyway, so as part of his obsession, he started acting like a wigger. Or, at least he attempted to act like one. See, Jeffrey's just about the whitest person I know. He tried to do "jive speak," but was terrible at it, so it just came across as stilted, awkward, and unnatural. Jeffrey apparently realized this, as he quickly stopped. Though he would still pronounce certain words in a stereotypically "black" fashion (i.e. "yee-uh" instead of "yeah," "axe" instead of "ask," etc.), which was pretty annoying, and made him sound ridiculous. Since Eminem had bleached blonde hair at the time, Jeffrey wanted it, too. His mother wouldn't allow him to get his hair cut short or dyed completely blonde, as she said it'd make him look gay, so he kept his hair at the same length he had it (at the time, he had a bowl cut, like the one Jim Carrey had in Dumb & Dumber) and got it frosted. Of course, this made him look even more ridiculous than if he'd have gotten it how he wanted it, but he still acted like he was hot shit because of it. He started dressing in clothes that were two sizes two big for him (he actually still has most of them, 'cause he ended up growing into them), and started wearing hats sideways. For "career day," he just dressed up as Eminem, which was just him dressing normally with a winter hat unlike anything I've ever seen Eminem wear.

His next phase was "gothic/emo." He was around 13 when he started into this phase. His mom is pretty spoiling, but on rare occasions, she will put her foot down. Jeffrey still had his frosted hair, but he'd grown his stupid bowl cut out, so it was longer now, and sort of resembled a mullet. He wanted to get it dyed some wacky color like blue, but his mother wasn't having that. He threw his predictable tantrum, but she wouldn't budge. She was fine with, like, everything he did, but she was always adamant about his physical appearance being relatively normal. So, he couldn't get the "emo" hair that he wanted. He started dressing in all black, and doing stereotypically "emo" things, like writing poetry. I can't remember anything specific about that, but I remember it being terrible. The worst part about this was that he rarely, if ever, washed his hair at the time. It was long, greasy and disgusting. Amusingly, his emo shtick didn't really fool anyone, 'cause people would call him a poser all the time, and he'd get all pissed off.

Next, he developed a bit of a holier-than-thou oldfag phase. Basically, those people you see in the YouTube comments of older song videos that say "I'm X years old and I like this song better than anything in my generation." He began to completely reject both rap music and "emo" culture, instead preferring older music like AC/DC, and older video games like Mario. Hilariously, he couldn't even identify a famous AC/DC song when I played the intro of it to get him to guess what it was ("You Shook Me All Night Long"). Despite never even playing an Atari, let alone owning one, he'd wear Atari shirts and act like he was part of some exclusive club or something.

After that was the Juggalo phase. He became obsessed with the Insane Clown Posse and Psychopathic Records as a whole. To my knowledge, he never painted his face, but he did start wearing ICP shirts and exclusively drinking Faygo soda. He just did this to be an edgelord. He thought he was being cool and badass by listening to music about killing people and stuff. He even did one of his ninth grade English projects based off of an ICP song. He'd use standard Juggalo phrases like "whoop whoop" and "wicked clown love." This went on for about a year before he kind of outgrew that phase. Now he regards it as an old shame, and spergs out at anyone who mentions that he used to be a fan of ICP.

Since then, he's kind of outgrown having phases. He mostly wears plain black or white shirts now, with khaki pants (he can't wear jeans as part of his autism) and backwards hats.
As it turns out, one of the guys in one of my classes works at the store he worked at, and was in his hire group. Small world, I know. So, because of this, I finally have a more complete picture of Jeffrey's work life, courtesy of someone who, unfortunately, had to work pretty closely with him.

Jeffrey and I graduated high school in 2013. Of course, he was totally unashamed about his lack of goals. While everyone else would be talking about applying for colleges or work, Jeffrey would just arrogantly gloat that he wouldn't have to work because "we have a lot of money, so there's really no reason for me to." Which, admittedly, is true. Like I said, his mom is fairly well-off. Despite this gloating, Jeffrey did end up getting a job a couple months later, at a local grocery store. Like I touched upon earlier, one of his mother's friends' sons was a shift manager at the store, which is the only reason he got the job and kept it for as long as he did. Now comes the fun, second-hand part:

So, right off the bat, Jeffrey wasn't really destined to make any friends there. During the orientation, he was quiet and generally gave off an unfriendly vibe whenever he was called on to speak. Everyone was asked to introduce themselves. Just to say their name and tell a bit about themselves. When it was Jeffrey's turn, he just mumbled something under his breath. He was asked to speak up, but wouldn't, so it's not really clear what it was he said. He just kind of sulked there, staring at the table with his head in his hand. I don't have proof, but I wouldn't be surprised if his mother made him get that job, and he was pissy about it. Like I said, she did put her foot down on rare occasions. During the actual tour part of the orientation, it was pretty obvious that he wasn't really paying attention to anything anybody told him. This would become obvious later when he'd repeatedly ask questions that were answered thoroughly during said orientation.

As for his actual job, well, there was...a lot to be desired. He was incredibly lazy and would often just stand around in the back until somebody would notice and tell him to do things. He was a stock person, but he was incredibly goddamned slow at that job. By my classmate's estimate, it took him about two hours to do a job that'd take somebody else a half hour. He also adamantly refused to learn how to work the computer or anything else. Officially, he never cleared a single palette, because there was never any data of him doing so. Usually, he'd spend the entire day "working" on a single one. He still wouldn't be finished by the time his shifts would be over, and somebody else would always have to finish up the remaining items. He also routinely left his department to wander around the store, apparently 'cause he'd get bored with what he was supposed to be doing.

He also refused to help unload the trucks. Any time the trucks came, Jeffrey was always nowhere to be found. If he got questioned about it, he'd always come up with some bullshit excuse. This was probably due to his complete inability to operate the palette jacks. Even after repeatedly being shown how to do it, he still had an immense amount of trouble. My classmate was there at the time, and told me that Jeffrey appeared to be fuming, though he didn't say anything. He recalls another instance where one of the assistant managers asked Jeffrey about why he never seemed to operate the palette jacks. His response was a blatant and nonchalant "oh, I don't do that." The manager was visibly annoyed by this, but regardless, she showed him how to do it again. Even after this, he'd still mysteriously disappear when the trucks came.

Remember earlier how I said he routinely shoplifts when he goes to Wal-Mart? Well, apparently there was a big increase in damaged merchandise at the store shortly after he started working there. This was a grocery store, but I'm guessing that he'd get hungry during his shifts and intentionally damage packaging so that he could discreetly eat candy and stuff while he "worked." I've got no proof, but it'd certainly be consistent with what I already know about him.

His interactions with other people were rather unbecoming. He was rather subdued compared to his school behavior, but he still seemed to go out of his way to be as off-putting and unfriendly as possible. People who would try to socialize with him would be met with harsh-sounding one-word answers, if any answers at all. He'd often go out of his way to appear busy, apparently to ward off potential conversation. During the five months that he worked there, he never once looked anyone in the face.

He was unpleasant to customers, too. Apparently, he'd often snap at them, especially when they'd mishear him. Remember how, in my initial post, I mentioned that he yelled at a customer? Well, my friend wasn't there at the time, but he asked around and this is what happened. Apparently, an old lady went up to him while he was stocking a shelf and asked where something was. He apparently wasn't having a good day, so he made no attempt to hide his contempt for this woman and the fact that she was interrupting his task. He told her, and she said something along the lines of "pardon me for asking." This caused him to throw down whatever item he had in his hand, and go off on this woman about how "every day he gets bullied and has to spend his time at a living hell," and other such nonsense. The people there had been nothing but accommodating to him. Now, normally someone would probably be fired for this. Jeffrey, on the other hand, hadn't even been written up before this incident. His manager connection had a lot of pull at the store, which is why they tolerated his bullshit for as long as they did. He got a write-up for yelling at the old lady and got sent home for the day.

The manager who got Jeffrey hired switched stores after Jeffrey had been there for about five months. With nobody there to protect him anymore, he got fired, like, a week or two later. I don't see him as much anymore, but I do still see him around the holidays. Seeing as how he got fired around New Year's, I got to talk to him right after he lost his job. He seemed very happy that he no longer had that pesky job cutting into his free time. This was in early 2014, and he has yet to get another job. My personal theory is that he hated this job so much because he felt that working there was beneath him, and that he was too good to associate with his co-workers. I imagine he intentionally tried to get himself fired so that he wouldn't have to say that he ended up quitting.

UPDATE: Forgot to mention that he was also apparently known for his less than stellar attendance record. I guess he called off three times in a two week period, and on more than one occasion, he'd show up late but try to lie and say that he'd been there the whole time and forgot to clock in.
As one could probably imagine, Jeffrey has been a brat his entire life. We were in school together for the entirety of our school careers, including preschool. I've got to hand it to those teachers for putting up with him for as long as they did. Our preschool lasted a full year, and it was a full year of them having to deal with his bullshit.

Trouble started from the first day. The class was divided into groups amongst two teachers, "Miss Mary," and "Miss Carla." Jeffrey was placed in Miss Carla's group, despite wanting to be in Miss Mary's. That basically set the tone for the rest of the year. I'm not sure why exactly it mattered so much to him, seeing as how he wouldn't listen to Miss Mary any more than he'd listen to Miss Carla. Of course, I was also placed in Miss Carla's group, presumably because Jeffrey and I were cousins and they thought they were doing us both a favor. Because of this, I have a decent recollection of events.

Jeffrey's always had a fiery temper, but to his credit, he's better now than when he was in preschool (though that's not saying much). On more than one occasion, he threw his chair at Miss Carla. Fortunately for her, he wasn't strong enough to get it more than a few inches away from himself, but he sure tried. Also on more than one occasion, he'd have to be physically restrained due to his defiance. He'd kick at the teachers, so they started making him take his shoes off in the mornings when he got into the classroom (he'd get to put them back on if we went outside). He used to stab at the other kids with scissors when we'd do arts and crafts. He never hurt anybody, 'cause they were just those little kid scissors, but I remember the other kids generally being afraid of him. Eventually, they stopped allowing him to have scissors and he'd have to tear his paper instead of cutting it.

There was this one particular girl named Lexi whom Jeffrey hated. I'm not sure exactly why he hated her, because she was always nice to everyone and never did anything to him, but regardless, he'd do everything in his power to make her miserable. This ranged from going over to her while she'd be drawing and ruining her art in some way to more actively malicious behaviors such as intentionally kicking sand into her eyes on the playground and slamming her fingers into a drawer that she was getting something out of. In the latter incident, the teachers asked him why he did it, and he just answered matter-of-factually, "'cause I don't like her." Whenever she'd try to raise her hand to tell on him, he'd physically restrain her and cover her mouth with his hand. Of course, this would get him into more trouble than he'd have gotten into initially, and he was often removed from the classroom. He was generally a bully to everyone, but this one girl in particular always got the worst of it. I remember this one time when one of the other girls started crying because everyone else was making a lot of noise and it was giving her a headache. Jeffrey noticed this, and actively tried to be as loud as he could, as close to this girl as he could get.

He seemed to enjoy doing things for no other reason than to piss off the teachers and to make things harder for them. We had an all-day preschool, so we ate breakfast there. We'd sit at one of those crescent-shaped tables with the teacher in the center (sort of like this, only bigger). Practically every morning, Jeffrey would intentionally spill his cup of tard cum because he thought it was funny how it'd go everywhere and the teachers would have to clean it up. On one occasion, he made a mess of the whole lunchroom by dipping his fingers into his tard cum and then flapping his hands, getting it everywhere. We had a water table in the classroom which was usually filled with water toys. On one occasion, however, the teachers put minnows in it. We were allowed to look at them, but not put our hands in the water. Of course, Jeffrey put his hand in the water. One of the teachers saw him, and came over to yell at him, so he reached in, grabbed one of the minnows, and threw it against the wall as hard as he could. This was one of the occasions where he was escorted out of the classroom.

During one month, we had a train theme, where we'd learn about trains and do train-themed activities. One of the teachers brought in a model train set, which came in a box with a styrofoam tray to put each individual piece in. During one particular recess session, Jeffrey took the styrofoam and broke it all up, for no particular reason. The teachers didn't notice that he was doing it until the end of the session, and were appropriately angry. During the same month, we took a trip to our local Toys R Us, which had a very elaborate model train setup. We were supposed to be looking at the trains, but Jeffrey just wandered off to look at other shit around the store. The teachers caught him and made him go back with the group. Presumably out of spite, he snuck off again when they weren't paying attention to him and hid. We stayed there for about an hour after we were supposed to have left. They had the customer service people call him over the intercom, but he didn't come. Naturally, they started getting a bit worried. After all, what if someone kidnapped him? As it turned out, he'd been hiding in one of the shelves. There was a relatively large Lego set box that he moved aside, got behind, and then replaced. He got in A LOT of trouble that day.

Of course, he was punished a lot. The problem was, he didn't care. His entire life, he's had a complete inability to learn from his mistakes. They called his mother pretty often to tell her of his latest misbehavior, but she apparently either punished him too lightly, or didn't punish him at all. That's always been a problem, too. His mom was always way too coddling. I think Jeffrey might actually be a legit sociopath. He certainly doesn't care about anybody else beyond their utility to him, and often goes out of his way to hurt or otherwise inconvenience people. This wasn't helped by the fact that the people who should've punished him didn't, or at least didn't do it hard enough.
So, I should probably start off by clarifying that I barely see Jeffrey at all anymore. Usually only around major holidays. Before tonight, I hadn't seen him since Easter. He looked slightly different than when I saw him last. He lost what I estimate to be about 30 pounds, first of all. He'd always been really skinny, but now he looked downright skeletal. He was also attempting to grow a beard, it looked like. However, despite the fact that he's 21 years old, almost 22, he's never really been able to grow facial hair so he just looks like a 14-year-old boy who just started going through puberty. He's also jumped on the "undercut man bun" bandwagon, and he looked absolutely ridiculous. He wore his favorite "YOU ARE IN THE PRESENCE OF GREATNESS" shirt (he wears that shirt pretty often).

His personality was the same as always. For starters, my sister brought her new boyfriend along. He's a pretty nice guy, though he's a bit pudgy. Surely enough, Jeffrey spent practically the whole dinner making jokes and comments about his weight. Note that this was his first time meeting the guy. Jeffrey's...not particularly good at first impressions. To the boyfriend's credit, he handled the situation rather well, though I could tell by the end that he was pretty annoyed, and likely wanted to punch Jeffrey's lights out. My sister warned him beforehand about Jeffrey, so he kind of knew what to expect. Jeffrey threw a mini-tantrum at his mom for trying a new sweet potato recipe. Nothing major, just "I TOLD YOU NOT TO FUCKING MAKE THOSE!" in a raised voice. In recent years, he seems to be trying to police his behavior more. At least, when there are other people around, he does. I'm sure that he's still the same spoiled brat he's always been in private.

All in all, it was a pretty uneventful Thanksgiving trip, Jeffrey-wise. He was a dick, as he always is, though there weren't any sperg-outs or anything like that.
Our great uncle died in 2009. He had pretty bad cancer for a while, so it wasn't really a surprise. He lived in a different state, so we didn't really see him much. Regardless, we ended up having to go to the funeral.

My family decided to carpool, so guess who I ended up having to ride with. Why, Jeffrey, of course! First and foremost, I should probably point out that he was dressed completely inappropriately for a funeral; he had on a yellow Aeropostale shirt, a white Aeropostale jacket, and a pair of khaki pants. We left pretty early in the morning to get to the funeral on time. Jeffrey spent half the trip complaining about having to get up at 5:00 for an uncle he didn't care about (to be fair, I didn't really, either; I barely knew the guy), and half of it asleep.

We stopped at a McDonald's to get breakfast along the way, and this McDonald's happened to have a Mortal Kombat arcade cabinet. Naturally, me and Jeffrey played a few rounds, but Jeffrey just wanted to stay there and keep playing. My dad (who is a pretty intimidating guy) yelled at Jeffrey to "get [his] ass in gear" and we left.

At the actual funeral, Jeffrey was very disrespectful. As my great uncle's son thanked us for coming, Jeffrey just shrugged and said "meh, not like we had a choice." He brought his PSP with him and started playing it during the service. His mom told him to put it away, and he started throwing a fit. Before he could make too much of a scene, his mother led him to another room and (I presume) they had an argument. Jeffrey was very pouty when they came back. Like, I'm not gonna lie, I didn't want to be there any more than he did, but he was being actively disrespectful. When the time actually came to bury him, Jeffrey just kind of wandered around the cemetery looking at other grave stones.

As we left, he did nothing but complain about how boring the whole thing was. My dad told him to shut up, and he did.
I don't have a long story about him this time, but I just kind of remembered today about how my cousin Jeffrey would behave at our Fourth of July gatherings as a kid.

He'd always want a sparkler, and if somebody didn't get him one, he'd get really pissy. Just imagine someone saying "if I don't get a sparkler, I'm gonna be MAD!" in the brattiest, most entitled-sounding voice possible. Ironically, he was terrified of them. He refused to ever hold them because he was afraid of getting burned, so he'd put them in the ground and light them that way. When we were about ten or eleven, me and a friend had them and were waving them in his direction in a wand-like fashion (Harry Potter was all the rage, after all), and he screamed at the top of his lungs and took off in a full sprint as we chased him around the yard (yeah, we were dicks, but he was a bigger dick overall, as you can gather from my previous stories about him).

Of course, we ended up getting in trouble. But we were kids, so we didn't really care. We still thought it was funny.
4/09/2016: For those who don't remember, he's got a tendency to shoplift. "Doing his shopping," he calls it. Well, that reached its logical conclusion the other day when he got caught. I don't know the full story because I just got secondhand information, but he got let off easily because whatever it was he stole wasn't too expensive, and it was his "first offense." He did end up getting banned from the store, though (though only temporarily).

6/14/2016: I totally forgot that I had another Jeffrey update!

So, for those of you who don't remember my last post on him, he'd gotten caught shoplifting from the store, but was let off easily because it was his "first offense" (read: first time he was caught). He'd just gotten a temp ban.

Well, after that expired, he went back and tried to get the manager to apologize to him for "bullying" him. Naturally, the manager wasn't having any of that shit, so Jeffrey started sperging at him. He was told to leave, but wouldn't, he just kept going on his tirade. He only left after they threatened to call the cops.

Last I heard, Jeffrey wanted his mom to sue the store, even though he was 100% at fault. I can guarantee you that's not gonna go anywhere. She's coddling, but not stupid.
Haven't posted in a few days 'cause I've been kinda sick, but I've got another update on the future governor.

I saw him on Thanksgiving, and he doesn't seem to have taken off his "Make America Great Again" hat since the last time I saw him. Unlike most lolcows, he's pretty hygienic. In fact, he's always been something of a neat freak. That hat, though, looked like it just wanted to be put out of its misery. It was covered in dark splotches of what I could only assume to be either sweat or hair gel. I didn't notice any particular odor, so I'm betting it was gel. The cuts on his arm from when he cut himself after Hillary polled ahead of Trump earlier this year have started to heal, but they look like they're probably going to end up scarring. He also seems to have tried to dye his hair. It's usually black, but this time it had giant patches of this ugly looking reddish-brown color in it. I actually know a bit about hair coloring 'cause I've helped my sister do hers before, and I'm guessing he tried to make it blonde, but neglected to bleach it first.

His girlfriend was there too. From what I could gather, she's living with them now after she had a spat with her parents about something or other. She seems really nice, but weak-willed, so I can't help but feel a little bit sorry for her.

As for his behavior, he didn't really do anything too noteworthy. Like I've mentioned before, my dad's pretty good at keeping his ass in line because he can be really intimidating when he wants to be. He's honestly been more of a parent to him than his own mother.

Speaking of whom, the reason I've never really gone into detail about her is because she's relatively normal aside from spoiling her son rotten.
Another Christmas, and another year of having to watch Jeffrey open his gifts in front of everyone. Like I said, his birthday's close to Christmas (December 20th) so his mom always has a party that doubles as Christmas and his birthday party.

Much like every year, his mom got him an awesome load of stuff including video games and other assorted electronics. No epic sperg-out because he's since learned to somewhat police his behavior around us. But I know him well enough to gather from his body language and tone of voice that he wasn't satisfied with what he got and that he probably ended up screaming at her after we all left.

He's still on his stupid politics kick, still has that goddamned hat on, and kept trying to talk about Trump and how awesome he is even though he's well aware that a lot of people in our family are pretty vehemently against the guy.

Also, he kept pestering everyone to "please remember to vote for me in the upcoming race for governor." 'Cause he still thinks he can be a governor. I don't follow Brianna Wu much so I just learned today that he's running for Congress. It's kinda funny how, much like great minds, terrible minds also think alike.
It's funny that @TheImportantFart wished me a Jeffrey-free new year because of what happened.

They...didn't show up even though they always do on New Year's Day. His girlfriend is pretty cool to talk to once you get to know her so I'll hit her up on Facebook messenger every now and again (no, I'm not cucking him, nor do I have any interest in doing so).

Like Jeffrey himself, she's got a mild case of :autism: which means that she doesn't talk much in person and doesn't have much of a filter. Meaning that if somebody does something stupid she won't help them save face if nobody tells her to.

We get a call from his mom this morning at around 8:00 AM saying that they won't be making it because "Jeffrey's sick." I hop on Facebook and ask her what he's sick with. Since, again, she doesn't have the best filter, I ended up learning what happened.

Jeffrey decided that he was going to be one of the cool kids and drink for New Year's Eve. I've mentioned before that he doesn't drink regularly so it stands to reason that he's a real lightweight. Apparently he ended up downing a bottle and a half of champagne, and that was more than enough to get him shitfaced. Since he's already a jackass sober, you could probably infer what happened next. According to her, he was screaming about something or other and throwing stuff all through the house. It got to the point where the neighbors actually ended up calling the cops because they thought some kind of break-in had occurred. Jeffrey wasn't arrested or anything, but his mom was apparently really mad that the fucking cops had to come because of him. As she should be.

I guess after they left, he continued his drunk chimpout for a bit before throwing up on the floor, staggering to his bedroom, and passing out. His "sickness" is a hangover.

@Piga Dgrifm Colby sounds almost EXACTLY like Jeffrey when we were in school. He isn't fat or dirty (quite the opposite; he's relatively good-looking and has always been obsessively clean), and as far as I know never shit himself. Personality wise, though, it's like they're fucking soul mates. He was always a pretty vicious bully, too, which I've touched upon.
February 11, 2017: During the outage, the Jeffrey saga may have come to an abrupt end. If you need a refresher, he never actually got his driver's license. He learned to drive, but could never actually pass the test, so he's been driving without a license ever since.

Last week some time, he was involved in a...bit of a fender-bender. I don't know the full details, but from the secondhand information I got, it sounded as though Jeffrey wasn't paying attention to the road and slammed into the back of another car at a stop sign. Neither he nor the guy he hit were seriously injured but apparently he did a number on the other guy's car. The guy started yelling at him and called him a "stupid son of a bitch."

The fact that he was an unlicensed driver who could've seriously injured another person due to vehicular negligence was bad enough, but he had to dig himself a little deeper. Given what I've already told you about him, you can probably infer that he doesn't take kindly to being yelled at. Again, this is all secondhand information, but from what I've been told, Jeffrey gets out of his car, shoves the guy to the ground (he was supposedly an older guy who looked to be in his 60's), gets a tire iron from the trunk, and starts wailing on the car that he hit.

This time he actually WAS arrested, though his mom came to get him after a few hours. I'm not really sure what's going on beyond that, but from the sounds of things, I'd assume Jeffrey is looking at quite a lot of charges in the near future.

Oh, but wait, that's all just hearsay. Jeffrey of course will give you the real facts behind the case:

February 23, 2017: So, normally I try to keep Jeffrey at arm's length, but given the recent circumstances, I actively reached out to him to try and figure out just what the hell is going on. I invited him to lunch today and he accepted. I had to go to his house to pick him up since he can't drive anymore. And yes, I ended up paying for both of our meals.

First thing I noticed when he comes out of his house is that he had a pretty nasty-looking bruise on his forehead. He smacked his head off the steering wheel when he hit the other car. I asked him if he'd been to the doctor, and he told me that he'd refused medical treatment because he didn't think he needed it. He insisted that he wasn't concussed or anything.

Overall, the effort proved largely pointless, because Jeffrey was pretty tight-lipped about the whole thing, and most of what he did say was shit that he'd already said in the Facebook post that I shared here a bit ago.

I did learn a few things, though. Like, he told me where exactly it happened. I can confirm that there is indeed a stop sign there, and the guy he hit didn't just stop for no reason like Jeffrey said he did. I'm guessing his refusal to elaborate on things was an effort to avoid making himself look bad, or admitting that he was wrong. His mom's apparently trying to use the fact that she was at work at the time as an alibi to throw him under the bus and claim that he'd taken the car without her knowledge ("his" car is still technically hers; she got a new one and let him use it, but both vehicles are registered in her name). Normally I'd say this was a really shitty move, but given the fact that he'd probably do the exact same thing, I can't really blame her. He's going along with this plan because, in his words, "if she ends up losing tons of money over this, she'd become a liability to me." Stay classy, Jeffrey.
We were in the same kindergarten class. Since I've told a ton of stories about him already, it should come as no shock to any of you that Jeffrey was not allowed to have scissors. Even those little kid scissors with the blunt edges were off-limits to him. The reason for this is because he'd always threaten to stab the kid with the misfortune of sitting next to him.

Yeah, that's another thing. The way our kindergarten class worked was that we'd have about four kids to a table, and each table was given the name of a color ("red table," "green table," etc.). Throughout the year, Jeffrey was moved to different tables no less than five times because he just couldn't go a single day without making life hell for the people he was put with. Eventually, the teacher just gave up and Jeffrey received his own little desk adjacent to the tables. He was actually pretty pleased with this, probably for the "unique" feeling it gave him. Any time we did some kind of group activity, Jeffrey was always just kind of forced onto whichever group happened to have an absent kid that day.

Back to the scissors, though. The final straw was when Jeffrey threw a pair of them at another boy. I don't remember the full details of what happened, but I do remember Jeffrey sperging out about something or other, and this kid saying something like "shut up, stupid" which, to a kindergartner, is all you really need to say to have a good put-down. Jeffrey threw his scissors at the kid, and he started crying. Somehow, the kid wasn't really hurt from this, though it did cause the school a bit of problems. They went to the office, and parents were called. Jeffrey made up some bullshit story about how the kid was always bullying him and stealing his things (he wasn't). Jeffrey's only punishment was a suspension, which of course meant that he got away with it; his mother wasn't going to punish him for "self-defense" after all.

Following this, he was never allowed to use scissors again, and any time we were doing a project that required cutting, he'd have to tear it.

Jeffrey the Politisperg:
Ever since the election season started, Jeffrey has begun to fancy himself a political commentator apparently. He's never really given a shit about politics before, but now all of a sudden he posts a ton of stuff a day about it. He's a Trump supporter. There's nothing inherently wrong with that, in my opinion. Hell, I'M probably gonna vote for him myself if it means avoiding a Hillary presidency. But Jeffrey's totally fucking batshit about it. For example, he posted this a couple days ago:

That guy who liked it? He's Jeffrey's friend. He likes everything Jeffrey posts, and if Jeffrey gets into arguments online, this guy will usually jump in to lend a helping hand. I don't know very much about him, other than the fact that he doesn't seem very smart and he's a major stoner. Which I always found weird because Jeffrey doesn't use drugs as far as I know.
More Jeffrey politisperging:

The person in pink is his new girlfriend. They got together back in March, I think. I've only met her once. She's honestly pretty cute, but she seems to be one of those people who latches onto anyone who'd give them the slightest bit of attention due to a compulsive need to be in a relationship. She likes and shares literally every goddamned thing he posts on Facebook, no matter how exceptional it may be.

Through the few Facebook conversations I've had with Jeffrey, I learned that she was a Bernie supporter when they got together, but he "enlightened" her (read: ridiculed and insulted her until she relented and switched ideologies).
The Jeffrey political saga continues:

So, yesterday was my grandmother's 80th birthday, so we had a big family get-together at her house to celebrate. I had a chance to see Jeffrey again, because he was there along with his mother and girlfriend. I used to dread having to see him, but now I kind of anticipate it since it gives me more shit to write about.

So, before this, I always figured that Jeffrey's "I'll kill myself if Trump isn't elected" shit was just him being an overzealous sperg. However, the first thing I noticed about him yesterday was that he had four new-looking slices going down his forearm. Naturally, I asked him what the fuck happened, and his exact response was "we live in a corrupt fucking wasteland, that's what happened!" I asked what he meant, and he started going on a rant about how "Crooked Hillary" (yes, he uses Trump's nicknames in regular conversation) was using her connections to ensure that Trump didn't win.

Eventually, I learned that the cuts had been made in response to him hearing that Hillary was beating Trump in the polls. He cut himself over Donald Trump trailing in polls. Honestly, if he had more of a web presence and wasn't my cousin, I'd start a fucking thread on him. Like I've said before, he's totally batshit.

This was the second time I met his girlfriend (her name's Carly). I guess he's friends with her brother, and that's how they ended up together. Like I touched upon last time, she generally seems really submissive and actually switched political ideologies because of Jeffrey. She didn't really talk to anybody other than him, which was the only time he even seemed to acknowledge her.

Oh, and I later found out through my mom that his mom had tried to tell him not to wear his "Make America Great Again" hat ('cause of course he fucking bought one) to the get-together, but that he had absolutely insisted on it.
Well, it's debate night. You know what THAT MEANS...

For the record, the debate sucked and Trump was actually less aggressive than he should've been. Also, wrong "THERE."
With Trump's campaign now effectively dead, Jeffrey's been losing his shit on Facebook. No caps this time 'cause I'm too lazy but he's been frantically making status updates about how "Trump's getting screwed over" and how this is all Hillary's doing. He's even gone as far as to say that he believes that the audio on that tape was a liberal celebrity impressionist hired by the Clintons. At the rate he's been posting, I think he's just been in his room on his computer 24/7 for the past week.

I'm both excited and terrified to see what happens when Trump actually loses. And since I'll actually have to see him again later in the month for Thanksgiving...I'll probably have a good story to tell to say the least.

The cap of Jeffrey saying that Clinton faked the tape, and him getting triggered by one of our other cousins telling him to calm the fuck down:
Oh yeah, been meaning to post that. He made this big spiel about how this is a victory for the common man and that "Mr. Trump" winning is a testament to anyone succeeding in politics. So now he wants to run for governor of our state. I don't think he realizes the myriad of reasons why he can't, the first of which is that he's too young. EDIT: Here's a cap.

I love how he wants to be governor, but has no fucking idea when the elections for that even are.
As I predicted, he added me back. And oooooh boy, he couldn't have picked a better time. At around 5 in the morning today he posted this gem:

There's just so much about this that I love.

Maddie is another cousin of ours, and she's made an appearance in another cap. I love how she picks his entire narrative apart and it does absolutely nothing to shatter his delusion. I also love how he still hasn't done even the most basic research on this job he supposedly wants. His job, by the way, was a retail stockboy. That he worked at for 5 months. Clearly he's in the same boat as John McCain.

I really wish he wasn't my cousin so I could start a thread on him.

And as a little "bonus," here are a couple unrelated stories that I think may make for some good reading material:
So, back in the ancient year of 2006, I became active on I was really young at the time, and it had notes and cool bits of trivia about my favorite shows. I thought it was pretty neat, and signed up for an account. It was one of the first sites I ever registered for.

It also had a forum. The first forum I was ever active on, to be precise. The userbase was pretty cool, and it was less autistic than you'd expect a TV show forum to be...except for one fucking guy.

This guy, whom we'll call "Captain Charisma," because his username was based on the wrestler Christian, was probably the first online lolcow I've ever had the "pleasure" of witnessing.

Captain Charisma was constantly creating "elimination game" threads in the cartoon subforums. How that worked was he made a list of character names with numbers next to them. People playing would "heal" a character (add to that character's number) and "hurt" another (subtract from the number), and continue on until one wins. Yeah, it's very autistic.

Anyway, not too many people actually played these games, but he'd keep on making them. Eventually, the staff got sick of them and started deleting them. He sperged out in the forums and his profile. He'd insult them and even threaten them. Sometimes it'd be subtle (like repeatedly telling them "don't make me mad"), while other times they were straight-up death threats. Miraculously, he was never banned for this, though the staff DID warn him a few times (which I know because he'd post a new blog bitching about the site each time they did). My guess is that he knew some higher-up at the site. Either that or their moderation team was mostly incompetent.

He wasn't any more pleasant to the other users. He'd openly insult them and often got into fights with them during his elimination game sperg-outs. People would make fun of him sometimes in other threads for it, and he'd often respond to obvious troll posts as though they were legitimate.

I never really interacted with him personally, but he was a frequent visitor to many of the same subforums as me so I saw a lot of him. I remember finding his antics entertaining, so I started actively observing him. got a drastic redesign. I didn't really like it very much, so I mostly stopped going there. I briefly went back in 2008 or 2009, though, pretty much to check in. Guess who was still an active member of the site, and somehow avoided getting banned for that whole length of time. Yep. Captain fucking Charisma.

He seemed to have abandoned the site's forums (or maybe he'd gotten banned from them), but he still regularly posted entries to his page's personal blog (they've since removed this feature), and wrote reviews for different TV shows. The blog posts were mostly stupid "Top 10" lists that nobody read, and each one of them had zero comments. He started claiming to be a critic for some local magazine of his, but when I actually googled the name he gave out of curiosity, nothing relevant came up. The idea that even a local magazine would hire him was pretty fucking laughable too. His writing style was simplistic, and a lot of it was plagiarized. This was around the time Doug Walker started getting popular, and a decent amount of the entries on his stupid lists were word-for-word transcripts of things Walker said in his videos. It was pretty easy to tell the difference between stuff he wrote himself and stuff he stole from other people. There'd be this eloquently worded sentence followed by some simplistic "captain obvious" statement.

His reviews weren't much better. A lot of them were plagiarized from different people too, but the ones that weren't were the real highlight. They were incredibly spergy. One that I remember was a review of that Cartoon Network show, Squirrel Boy. He pretty much detailed about how he got so mad that he cried the first time he saw the show, and blamed it for replacing Looney Tunes (despite the fact that CN stopped showing Looney Tunes in 2004, two years before Squirrel Boy premiered). had a minimum word count for reviews, which made it painfully obvious when he couldn't think of stuff to say. He'd literally type filler words like "umm" and "uhh" in as a way to boost his word count. Sometimes, he even went as far as copying and pasting the text multiple times to make it look like he'd written more than he had. He also reviewed WWE Raw, and the way he worded certain things suggested that he believed that wrestling was real. His reviews were also deleted a lot, and he'd complain about that in his blog, with his familiar antics of vague and not-so-vague threats.

I'm sure that there's a lot that I'm leaving out, but I've got to go from memory. I tried to check in on him again recently, but unfortunately I couldn't find his profile. I'm guessing that they finally got around to kicking him off the site. It's a shame, really. Had Kiwi Farms been around back then, he'd probably have been worthy of his own thread. I'm sure he's still out there somewhere, though. Who knows? Maybe I'll be lucky enough to find him again one day.

Oh, and I remember his profile said that he was born in, like, 1988 or 1989. Past the point where this kind of behavior would be considered excusable.

Update: I remember that people who got sick of his elimination games used to make up fake characters to troll him with. One that I remember specifically was when he kept getting pissed off at people in a Futurama game because they were "healing" and "hurting" nonexistent characters like "Zember" and "Zeeblo."
First and foremost, she was enormous. I'm not exaggerating in the slightest when I say that she about as wide as two of me standing side by side. Not sure if other schools did this (probably), but in my school, we'd periodically get called to the nurse's office in groups to get checkups. They'd test the standard shit, like hearing, sight, etc. Somebody ended up learning that she weighed 310 pounds. I'm not sure how tall she was, but she was definitely on the short side, so that made it extra noticeable. Face-wise, she looked a lot like StrikerWolf, and she kind of sounded like a female version of him. Her hair was atrocious. She always kept it tied back in a ponytail, but there would be tons of stray frizz. I doubt she washed it very often, because it always looked extremely unhealthy. She wore glasses, but the frames were too small, so the side parts always looked like they were digging into her head. I'm betting that she ended up getting permanent creases from that, though I'm just speculating. She always had a lot of acne, and her skin had a sort of pinkish color. I used to joke with my friends that she looked like the fat Majin Buu from Dragon Ball Z.

She would dress in the most attention-whoring way imaginable. She was obsessed with shitty "goffick" bands like Black Veil Brides, Blood on the Dance Floor, and Tokio Hotel, so she'd always wear T-shirts of them. Her general demeanor made it crystal clear that she believed that she was "unique" and "special" for listening to these 3edgy5me bands. She also wore a lot of ugly goth makeup, usually drew a stitch across her mouth, and would paint her arms with ugly symbols a lot. She wore fingerless gloves (which only served to accentuate the fact that her fingers looked like stubby pink sausages) and these ugly boots that made this really loud clunking noise when she walked. You could literally hear her walking from the other side of the building, I'm not exaggerating.

She was extremely annoying. She always seemed to talk louder than necessary. I'm not sure if she was attention-whoring, or if she just didn't know she was doing it, but it was obnoxious either way. She was a massive edgelord, too. Always made a point out of the fact that she was an atheist, and would say that she wanted to go to Hell when she died. She was in my history class in 11th grade, and during our lesson on the Romans, our teacher said that we'd be watching the movie Gladiator. Since it was rated R, we all had to get permission slips signed, though. She got all pissy about that, and didn't think that she should have had to get the slip signed because she watched anime. I swear to god that she actually said "I watch anime" to the teacher in the most smug, condescending voice possible. As though she believed that nobody else ever watched anime or knew what it was. The teacher wasn't having any of that shit, though, and he pretty much told her "that's fine, but you still need to get the slip signed." She made some smartass comment that I can't remember anymore, and then sulked for the rest of the period.

During senior year, she was in my English class. The teacher was really receptive to her shit, so she'd never shut the fuck up. Every time the teacher would tell us to turn to a page in our books, this hambeast would always cut in with "six-hundred sixty-six" after the teacher said the word "page." Every. Single. Time. She'd also bring manga books to class and read them loudly. How can someone read loudly, you ask? Well, she'd audibly react to what she was reading, clearly trying to get attention. One day, for example, we all heard "ohh, well that was an interesting twist!" in dead silence while we were taking a test. She also once claimed that some other girl didn't know what "real problems" were, but that she did because other people made fun of her. Thing is, she kinda brought it on, though. She'd act and dress provocatively, after all.

Funnily enough, my cousin Jeffrey factors minorly into this story, too. During our last day of 10th grade, apparently she got stuck behind him and someone that he was talking to while walking in the hallway. She told them to get out of her way and Jeffrey turned around and said "shut up, you fat ugly lesbian." She went into the bathroom and cried. That's what Jeffrey told me, anyway. If it actually happened, then it's kind of funny because she always made a point of "not caring" what other people thought.

But this time, I've got a bonus. Instead of leaving you to go by my word alone, I've actually got a picture of this one:

If you can't see the date, it's from 2009. More recent pictures are hard to come by, because she stopped taking them. She got progressively fatter since then, though, and this was how she dressed on a typical day. This picture was captioned "sweet blasphemy," because she's an edgy atheist with her arms in prayer position I'm guessing.
Stuff I forgot to mention about Tara the Edgy Goff:
  • She was a gay rights supporter, but much like Tumblr, she was all about the SJW brownie points. Each year, she'd participate in the "Day of Silence" and would come to school with pro-gay symbols on her face and body instead of the edgy crap seen in the above picture. She'd get really pissed off if someone said the word "fag."
  • The senior year English teacher mentioned above was a mid-year replacement. We were one of the first classes she ever had because she was fresh out of college, only a few years older than us, and (not gonna lie) exceptionally cute. During class one day, she told Tara that the teacher there before her had said that Tara dressed and acted that way to get attention. This made Tara really mad, and she went on for about ten minutes about how "this was who she really was." The funny thing? She didn't start dressing or acting like that 'till about 7th or 8th grade. She was relatively normal before that.
  • She unironically used the word "prep" to describe people she didn't like. Yeah, there's a reason I named her after Tara Gillesbie.
  • She had three dogs, and all of them were named after snack foods. Their names were Marshmallow, Popcorn, and Rocky Road.
  • She was obsessed with Germany because a lot of her shitty bands were German. She'd always say "scheizer" instead of "shit" but didn't really seem to know much more German than that. She was also a bit of a weeb, and talked about moving to Japan sometimes.
  • She was also obsessed with black, the color of edginess. It was her "favorite color" and most of her shirts were black. She was in my science class in ninth grade, and we were doing an experiment with chemicals. One of the chemicals was silver nitrate. The teacher specifically told us to be careful with it because it'd turn our skin black if it got on our hands. She blurted out "oh, cool!" and immediately emptied the entire vial onto her hands.
  • She'd bitch out anyone who said anything even remotely negative about something she liked.
  • She and I rode the same bus, and she made a big issue about someone sitting in her usual seat. Seriously, the entire bus ride she and this other person kept going back and forth because someone took "her" seat. Serious business.
  • She always bitched about her brother. Said brother looked exactly like her. No, not just a familial resemblance. He literally had the exact same face as her, just with different hair and clothes. They weren't twins, but they looked like twins. He was older, though. He was also seemingly better adjusted than her, and kept jobs more consistently after they graduated. That being said, he looked and sounded almost exactly like StrikerWolf.
  • If teachers didn't put up with her shit, she'd walk out of class.
  • She was a fan of Cassandra Clare
  • She once left school early to go to a Black Veil Brides concert, something she wouldn't shut the fuck up about for months after it happened. She even got the lead singer to sign her excuse and kept it on her person at all times. She'd never hesitate to pull it out for anyone she could get to listen.
I didn't associate with her, but I know all this stuff because she'd never shut the hell up.
That's got nothing to do with Jeffrey, but I happened across this one again and figured it'd be a fun story for people to listen to a classy brit tell.
Dramatic Reading by @TheImpotantFart
Here's a guy I haven't thought about in years, but was reminded of a bit ago. We'll call him Proctor the Butt Doctor for reasons that will become obvious. The first thing you'd notice was the smell. This kid stank like I didn't think was possible. Smelled like rancid meat, dog shit, cat piss, sweat and god only knows what. And it was a lingering smell. You could usually tell if he'd been someplace recently. You could walk into an empty room and just fucking gag.

He had the look of someone that had never touched water. Just looked really dry and dirty I guess. And always seemed to be wearing blue jeans and a blue denim jacket. Early in school we all just thought he must fart constantly to stink that bad. Little kids have no concept of someone who is just that filthy.

He had the voice of Grover from Sesame Street, and a rising speech pattern that made everything he said sound like a question. Like an 80s valley girl. He was irritating to have to listen to, which was unfortunate because he talked constantly. Nobody really liked him, but he constantly demanded to be the center of attention, and he was very hard to ignore.

I first met him in kindergarten. He was my assigned seat partner on the bus. That didn't last long. He wouldn't stay put, jumped from seat to seat like a monkey and yelled a lot. When he wasn't doing that, he'd tell wild stories about various things, a few of which were:

-He was secretly the white power ranger (there was no white power ranger yet at this point) and his name was Superflash.
-He rode a supercycle motorcycle that could turn invisible. That's why nobody could see it. Also it could fly and was totally parked on his roof. Why he rode the bus then was anyone's guess.
-His nickname was Brad, because it's short for his name. (His name is not Bradley).
-He and his sister would break into the abandoned church next door at midnights on full moons to battle the evil spirit of their dead father with kitchen knives.
-The typical uncle that works for Nintendo stories.
-That he was a famous songwriter. Three that I remember him claiming to write are "Be My Baby Tonight" by John Michael Montgomery, "It's Your Love" by Tim McGraw, and "Turn Back Time" by Aqua. He was a big Aqua fan. No clue why he didn't claim to write "Barbie Girl" it was his favorite.

Soon though, he got made to sit in the front seat, with a seatbelt, right behind the driver. That lasted about a day because he kept reaching up and trying to rub and touch her hair. He was then moved across the aisle.

His is a story about a kid that was fucked up in lots of ways, but school and bus staff seemed to bend over backwards to accommodate him and keep him around.

So far this is just typical lolcow stuff, but it gets so much worse...

These all happened roughly between 1995-1999

Nobody ever really called him by his first name, always just Proctor. He always liked to tell stories about how he'd trick people, get into places, or evade enemies by pretending to be someone named "Croptor". Which he insisted was Proctor spelled backward. He was very proud of his name.

One day in about 2nd grade, we had a substitute teacher who was teaching us about name origins. Smith=Blacksmith, Chandler=Candlemaker, etc. Fascinating stuff.

He piped up and asked what Proctor meant.
"Uhh, well, I'm-ah, not quite sure on that one actually..."
"I'm not sure, I think it means proctologist, but I may be wrong... that's a kind of doctor but I'm not sure I should--"
"SAY IT, WOMAN!" (He had no respect for anyone female, even teachers. He kept yelling...)
"Fine! It's a BUTT DOCTOR! Proctor is a BUTT DOCTOR! Happy now?!"
The whole class laughed our asses off and Proctor scored a nickname that would stick forever.
One day, Proctor showed up wearing glasses. Big, thick, Buddy Holly looking fuckers that would make any hipster proud. Nobody really noticed or cared. But Proctor wouldn't shut up about them "I'm too cool for these! I'll break 'em! I can't look like a dork, I'm one of the cool kids!" and on and on.

The teachers had all been told by his mother that he was to be watched like a hawk because he'd try to wreck the glasses. They kept watch until he managed to slip away between lunch and the next class, and he wasn't wearing the glasses when he arrived. And he was smelling worse than usual. The teacher was grilling him on where he'd put them, when the janitor stepped in and called him out to the hallway. We all followed and saw that the boys' bathroom was flooding water into the hall. The janitor ordered him to go in and retrieve what he'd plugged the urinal with.

He'd apparently snuck away to the bathroom during lunch, purposely shit his pants (Barney the dinosaur briefs), took off the dirty, crapped briefs, stuck the glasses into the shit, rolled the glasses up in the briefs like a horrid burrito, then stuffed them into the urinal. He tried to flush it down but it wouldn't go. He pulled so hard the handle broke and started pouring water. He then put his jeans back on, wiped his shitty hands on them and ran to class. There was a boy in the far stall he didn't notice who snitched him out. Said he could tell by the smell, and Proctor's nonstop cackling and giggling and talking to himself.

He was made to grab his briefs from the urinal wash them out in the sink, and put the glasses back on. He managed to wreck them at home within the week, and never again had glasses.
He was a big fan of the song "Barbie Girl" by Aqua, but that wasn't where the Barbie adventures ended. One day he was running around the playground getting everyone's attention, so we all followed to see what he was up to. He stood under a tree and was taking his shoes off, told us all to get ready, he was about to do something cool. It wasn't cool at all. He whipped his pants off super fast and was wearing bright pink frilly Barbie pantyhose. We'd all thought he was gonna climb the tree and jump onto the fence or something. No such luck. He starts bragging about how those were his sister's pantyhose and he wore them because he had no clean briefs. About this time the playground aide comes over and goes "Oh my, young man, where are your underwear?!" to which he replied "I crapped 'em all, WOMAN!" and goes streaking away at top speed, throwing his jeans over the fence as he runs. He spent the rest of the day in the office.

Also, he'd always boast about having a "My Size Barbie". Those were a 3 foot tall dress-up doll. He'd always tell everyone he had one in his bed that he'd drilled a hole where the vagina would be (right below the belly button, of course) and how he'd stick his dick in that hole and just hump it all night. He'd always make up bizarre stories, but that one seemed plausible.
Somehow, around 5th grade when we all started middle school, a 10-foot-high chainlink fence sprung up all around Proctor's yard. Looked like a prison exercise yard. And soon there were at least 6 massive great danes in there. Those are not a cheap dog, so how they got one let alone 5 or 6 is a mystery to me. Absolutely no clue how they fed them either.

The house was an ancient two-story stone house with a rickety, holey porch all the way around. The porch soon was completely coated in dog shit. Also the dogs broke out all the first floor windows by jumping in and out of them. The solution was to take all the doors from the upstairs rooms and nail them over the downstairs windows. The door was left open for the dogs.

The house had a wraparound roof for the porch, which the hoarded 30+ cats would congregate on. Now that the dogs had free run of the 2nd floor too it wasn't uncommon to see great danes up shitting on the roof and jumping in and out the 2nd floor windows. The cats (and presumably the Supercycle) were relegated to the main roof where the dogs couldn't reach.
I actually took these the other day when I had to drive through the area. In the first one you can clearly see the outline where the porch roof was. Yes, great danes were running around that high up. The porch is gone now as well and so is the fence. To the right is the abandoned church where all sorts of spiritual warfare supposedly took place. Someone must have bought the house, installed windows and a roof, then abandoned it from the looks of things. It's actually a big improvement.
View attachment 157365
Another view. You can see there used to be very large trees between the sidewalk and road. They used the trees as fenceposts and actually fenced the sidewalk into their dog pen. The fence was right to the edge of the road. Guess nobody minded enough to make an issue of it.
View attachment 157366
From what I've heard from the crew that cleaned that house out after Butt Doctor and co. abandoned it around 12 years ago, it was not pretty. The toilet had broken years before so they shit in it until it was full, then did the same to the toilet tank, sink and bathtub. Apparently there was also shit piled high in corners of rooms that wasn't from the dogs and cats. Fortunately this had all been sitting about 2 years so they just shoveled it out in large brick-like clumps, and removed all the sinks, tubs, etc, entirely and tossed them.
One day in middle school, probably around halfway through 7th grade we were all getting off the bus when an Aide lady walks up and grabs hold of Proctor and takes him away. In school we notice her walking him between classes, and in every class he's in, there's now an extra desk and the aide is sitting there reading a book or whatever she does. After a week or so of her being his shadow, some friends and I asked her what was going on. Her, being a rather disgruntled aide who had no problem telling us everything, explained.

About a week before, between classes, the assistant principal was making the rounds and checking the boys bathrooms for kids trying to smoke or skip class. He walks into the boys room across from the cafeteria and sees two sets of legs, pants around ankles, in front of the toilet in the handicap stall. Loud mumbling and grunting going on. No, it couldn't be. Stall door was open. Walks in.


Proctor had one of the sped kids (same age, not a re.tarded one, just ADHD or something) bent over the toilet and was railing him as balls deep and hard as a 7th grader can. The assistant principal grabbed them and dragged both of them to the office. At this point the aide told us that as he was getting pulled away, Proctor started screaming "Ahh! Ahh! I'm stuck! It won't come out!" or something like that and kept insisting he tripped and fell and his pecker ended up in his friend's ass and he wasn't fucking him, he was just attempting to pull it back out and it just looked bad because they got caught at the wrong time.

Parents were called, conferences were had and the best course of action was determined to be giving Proctor a round-the-clock aide who met him at the bus in the morning, followed him everywhere through school including clearing out the bathrooms before he went in and blocking the door so nobody else got in with him, and escorting him back to the bus at the end of the day. We did not envy her. I imagine she got a decent pay raise for being his personal wrangler though. She did it for at least two years. Proctor was only unaccompanied on the bus. It wouldn't last. He'd soon get a bus aide as well.
He also had a habit of yelling in the hallways "I've got a big corn cob up my butt from (random student's name)!" He'd always try to provoke people to hit him. Nobody knew why, but nobody ever punched him out because everyone knew he wiped his ass with his hand and never bathed. He was totally immune to bullying and he knew it. Nobody fucked with him, but it wasn't because we were scared. We just didn't want to get lice or whatever else he had. But it was usually lice.
The bus was the only bit of freedom he now had, and he took full advantage. Jumping, yelling, screaming along with the music on the radio, and shouting out "music facts" that only he knew. Like did you know that the "stomp stomp clap" part of We Will Rock You was censorship? Yeah, apparently in the "dirty" version Freddie Mercury yells "dick dick DICK!" Proctor of course has the only tape of the dirty version, and you can't hear it because reasons.

Despite being up front he still annoyed the whole bus. One day a new kid joined the bus route. He was about 6, and was made to sit up front with Proctor because he was too young to sit farther back. This was a mistake. About a half hour into the bus ride we all hear a bloodcurdling shriek followed by bawling and crying. Bus driver pulls over and screams "PROCTOR WHAT DID YOU DO TO HIM!?" It was the little kid screaming.

Proctor stands up and goes "Woman! He would not stop talking about Pokemon, so I grabbed him by the balls, then pulled and twisted HARD! Then he just crossed his arms and sat back down. Next day the little kid was gone and Proctor had a bus aide too. I can't imagine why the school wasted so much taxpayer money keeping this stinky fucker around. He had no interest in school or learning whatsoever. Not too long after that bus incident I moved away.
Flash forward to the present...
Proctor disappeared not long after I moved. Good riddance. I heard once he moved in with a juggalette and had a few kids but other than that he was totally gone. Until the other day a friend showed me this:
View attachment 157382
Yeah that's a mugshot. Apparently our good friend Proctor is a rapist and will probably be remaining locked up for life.

At least they'll make him take a shower.
Holy shit that is amazing and I love it! Also the Proctor voice is dead on.
It's one of those things where it takes hearing someone else do it to really remember just how Grover-y he sounded. I laughed my ass off. Also, the narration is good, but now I can't stop hearing an Englishman reciting everything I type as I type it.

Chris-chan has Christory, well here's some more Proctology for anyone interested:

This one always baffled me because it wasn't in any way believable. At all. He insisted that anything with the initials "BP" he owned. Because apparently that's how things work. This included the BP gas station near the school, as he'd proudly mention each and every time we'd roll by on the school bus. He insisted he could go in and just take anything anytime. Maybe that's how he fueled the supercycle? I never once saw him in there, which makes me think he'd probably gotten banned for trying to steal at some point.
He was always bringing things into school to try and sell. Or just to show off and rub in everyone's face how rich he was going to be from selling it. To whom was always a mystery. More than once his treasure was a bicentennial quarter.
View attachment 190700
He'd keep showing it off and telling us how he found it between his floorboards at home, and that it was from 1776, and was going to make him a millionaire. He had no explanation for why it also said 1976 (There was no such thing as a normal 1976 quarter. These are common as dirt.) I think he usually ended up putting it in the pencil machine.
Sometimes though, he'd bring in actual interesting things, possibly worth money, and just hand them out. Which is how I got this:
View attachment 190705
It seems to be a WWI soldier's pocket bible. It's canvas with a paper 48-star flag on front, and has the original national anthem ("America") inside, as well as "Onward, Christian Soldiers" and others in addition to the New Testament. No names or anything to really identify it though. At one point he gave me a large ziploc bag full of 20-sided dice. I couldn't find those though. Years later I found out that the old brick building down the street from his house was turned into a thrift store by an old man in the 1980s then abandoned with all the stuff still inside. I think Proctor would just sneak in there and take things, so that's likely where the bible came from. A WWI pocket bible seems random, but there was a reason for it. Proctor always had reasons.
He was a big believer in ghosts and demons. His older sister got him into that I'm sure. They'd sneak into the abandoned church next door to battle their father's ghost. With their knife and stapler of course. I'm still not even sure the guy was dead, he just didn't live with them. I wouldn't blame him. Proctor had odd views about the bible, in that since it could ward off devils and demons (at least in the movies) that it could be used to summon them as well, since they were mentioned in it. That's why he gave me that bible. He took it into that church and couldn't summon the devil with it. It was clearly broken and of no further use. He also would talk about a Ouija board he had, and how it was so evil that he'd take it out of his house and try to burn it, bury it, etc, but he'd find it back in his closet the next day. Seems that would be more the thing to summon the devil with, but I don't think he ever tried. I think he thought if demons came from the Ouija board he'd be unable to stop or control them, whereas with a bible he could just call forth God and Jesus if the devils got out of hand. Kid was weird.
Our middle school was interesting. A 3-story 1920s building coupled to a 2-story 1970s building, with a 1950s gym in its own building, all joined together by hallways into one huge building. Which led to some interesting features like having to walk through the library to get to a few classrooms, oddly slanting floors, including one entire hallway sloping upward from the 2nd floor of the new section to the 2nd/3rd floor landing of the old section, and an upstairs gym in between classrooms and directly above the auditorium. Some real Wayside School architecture there.

Main gym was in the large gym, off at the one far end of the school. The building used to be a high school in the 50s and 60s so this was a full size gym built around that time, with a basement locker room/shower area. There was a hallway running the whole way around the gym, with classrooms around it. The noisiness of the area was perfect for locating louder classes like music class, the band room, and the special ed department. There were two sped rooms. TMI (teachably mentally impaired) for kids with Downs and such, and SMI (severely mentally impaired) which were functional on Hartley Hooligan level. The TMI kids got to play in the gym almost any time they liked, which was almost all the time there weren't normal gym classes going on. The only thing they loved more than gym play was the extra long group shower they'd take after.

They'd get completely naked, dash all around the locker room, and hang out in the showers for as long as they were allowed to. It was a large shower with about 10 nozzles which always had hot water and had two settings, on and off. Their showers often ran well into our gym time so we'd typically get ready for class with the TMI kids just running around naked and splashing each other with water. Proctor wasn't in my gym class, but the big asshole bully kid was. And one day, Proctor left his locker open.

Needless to say, his locker stunk horribly. Bully asshole noticed it unlocked and decided he was going to grab Proctor's clothes and whip them into the showers with the tards, and wash them for once. He grabbed a coat hanger so as not to touch the clothes, then hooked them with it and tossed them into the heavily steam filled shower room. Tards giggled and kept showering. So far so good. But then, Bully looked back in the locker and noticed something else in there:
View attachment 190722
The biggest bottle of English Leather cologne I'd ever seen. Looked like a giant novelty bottle, at least a pint, and 3/4 full. Horrible smelling stuff to us 12-year olds. What Proctor was doing with it was anyone's guess, as he never smelled of anything but shit. Bully gets a great idea. He's already got the clothes soaking in soapy hot water (and being agitated by tard trampling), he's now going to make sure they never smell like dog shit again!

We couldn't see into shower room, it was so hot and steamed up and the tards showed no sign of leaving anytime soon. We couldn't see them, but they were laughing and shouting as usual. The hot water never ran out and the sped teachers would take a nice long break, so nobody was coming to get them. There were probably 15 of them in there. Bully decides to put his plan into action. He grabs the glass cologne bottle by the wooden knob cap, and hurls it into the mists of the shower like a grenade. We hear it miss the tards and shatter against the tile of the back wall. They go silent at the noise, and within seconds begin to scream as the cologne is hit by the showers and becomes a noxious fog because of the heat and steam. They do not like this development one bit and stampede right on out of there, knocking over lockers, benches, trashcans and kids on their way out. (The thing about re.tard strength? Completely true.) They race up the stairs but turn left instead of right so instead of the sped room, they reach the cafeteria. People are screaming as they dash in all naked, soaking, and stinking of cologne. (The thing about re.tards having huge floppy dongs down to their knees? Apparently also true.)

They got calmed down. And even got to take another shower after a bit so they were all thrilled. None of them got hurt on the broken bottle. Nobody got in trouble for tossing in the clothes or cologne, as it was assumed the tards did it, as they had done it before with footballs, backpacks, and whatever else they felt like. Nobody snitched on the bully either. I don't think I'd ever seen anything quite so hilarious before.
When this site went down, I was forced to do other things, such as talk to actual people about actual things. A friend who was in the same grade as Proctor and I came over and I mentioned writing about him. He had been friends with a cousin of Proctor's and got a slightly different report of the story from him. He had heard that when the vice principal walked into the bathroom, Proctor hadn't been pounding his friend in the ass so much as he was struggling to break free. Spit doesn't make a good lubricant and soon after starting, it dried up and his friend became a Chinese finger trap. They were stuck like dogs and when the vice principal pushed open the stall door, it gave him such a fright he spun around, pulling out violently and causing them both to scream.

My friend said he told his parents when he heard about it, that Proctor got caught butt-humpin' his friend. His parents told him that "humpin" was inappropriate to say, and that "rumpin" was somehow better. He thought this was hilarious, and "butt-rumpin" became a fun new word around school. Also, the act was completely consensual, as much as two 12-year olds can consent, and Proctor was probably more of just an opportunistic pervert than really into guys.
I found my old yearbook from the 6th grade the other day, and not only did it have his picture, and also his ghost-hunting sister, but he signed it as well. I have the Butt Doctor's autograph! It was one of those things where everyone had to sign everyone's yearbook, so I didn't exactly have a choice in the matter. This is from roughly around the time of the bathroom thing. 1998-1999. The school was demolished about 10 years ago and I have no idea what became of any of these people other than Proctor and his sister. Apparently she's a cook at a KFC. I've never been so relieved that I don't eat KFC.

Here we go!
View attachment 190943
The good doctor himself. With his hair actually brushed. That look though...
You can also see another habit of his, he'd often wear button-up or low cut v-neck shirts with nothing on underneath, as he's doing in this photo. What he's wearing here is some sort of satiny sports jersey thing, not exactly sure what it was.

View attachment 190945
The vice principal who caught him in the act. I don't envy him.

View attachment 190946
The aide with the patience of a saint who would become his reluctant escort.

View attachment 190947
The ghost-obsessed sister. Yes, she has cold sores on her mouth. Always did. And facial warts too.

View attachment 190948
His autograph. Seems to have spelled his name wrong, then corrected it.

I can't think of anything else right now. So, that may be all for the butt doctor. I'm glad people enjoyed reading about him, I never expected him to be so popular, but he seems to have some fans, evidently!
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Feb 3, 2013
Anti-nuclear "environmentalists" who don't know the first thing about nuclear power, physics, electricity generation, energy etc.

Germany is currently (i.e. especially since the Fukushima accident) flooded with ecotards who scream that we must renounce nuclear power because of the imminent risk of major earthquakes and tsunamis in Europe. The most lulzy thing about these jolly folks is that they also claim they want to fight global warming. Hint: If you want to fight this, you need a lot of ultra-low carbon energy. Nuclear if the only type of ultra-low carbon energy that is sufficiently compact and reliable to power small, densely populated industrial countries like Germany. Windmills and solar power are a nice addition, but delivering below 10 W/m^2, they are, obviously, insufficient for countries like Germany. Ecotards don't (can't?) understand this.

Feb 21, 2013
Fundie Christards, you know the ones I'm talking about.

Recoloring Tartlets, mention one thing about their "creativity" and "originality" and they will spew threats at you like the fist of an angry god.

People who equate abortion to the holocaust, jeebus these guys are everywhere.

My best friend, for being the weeaboo that I love.

QI 541

There's this guy I used know on an online Yugioh (don't laugh) dueling website who usually annoyed the crap out of everyone and had some mental problems. Usually, he would go online, ask for a duel, and then quit as soon as he's losing. And because all of his decks are terrible, this happens a lot. When I asked him why he does this, he said he was trying to teach people a lesson against using good decks. His logic was that people use good decks to make winning easier, so he forfeits whenever he sees people using good cards to give them an easy but unsatisfying win, and hopes that by doing this, people realize that using good decks to win is unsatisfying. He actually thought he could change the entire community's attitude by doing this repeatedly. He often references the Yugioh GX anime when describing his motivations. In the anime, the antagonists are all competitive and elitist Yugioh players, while the protagonists simply play for fun. He claims that whenever people actually try to win, they're taking the game too seriously, and acting like the antagonists from the anime.

I found out that the actual reason he does this is because he has a fear of not being respected. He thinks that if he loses badly (quitting doesn't count apparently), people will think that he's worthless. Ironically, quitting whenever someone displays any form of competence against him has hurt his reputation much more than losing a card game ever could have.

I also suspect that he thinks his monster cards are real, and have feelings, or something. I was dueling him and discovered that he absolutely loathes it when his opponents take control of his monster cards. As soon as I took control of one of his monsters, he threw a tantrum and started insulting me. Also, he absolutely refuses to destroy his own monster if I'm controlling it, even if he could have won the game. I asked him why, and he gave me two different reasons. First, he said that controlling an opponent's monsters is disrespectful to the cards. He later changed the reason to something about his high school days. He says that whenever someone takes control of one of his monsters, it reminds him of when his friends stopped hanging around him to hang out with some other people, thus "betraying" him. Remember, this is the guy who claims everyone else are the ones who take Yugioh too seriously.

Some other random information: He's 32 years old and lives with his mother. But unlike Chris, he's employed.

Feb 3, 2013
1) Fred Phelps and other extreme religious sects that operate in the South--they want to do nothing but turn America into a theocracy and brainwash everyone into worshiping their warped views of Christianity.

2) Ignorant people in general--they know nothing about anything (even America itself) and are some of the biggest racists/xenophobes around.

3) Corporations--more like a collection of LOLcows, but I think many firms are very greedy, corrupt and exploitative, treating their employees like shit and enslaving them to the job. I would never work in that type of environment.

Feb 21, 2013
Saney said:
Homophobes, fundies, homophobic fundies. I asked someone why they thought that gay people hurt society, and this is what they sent me.

Please tell me it's illegal for "official" websites such as that to post false information that has been disproved over and over again?


Slayer of the Love-Shys
Retired Staff
True & Honest Fan
Feb 3, 2013
random_pickle said:
Saney said:
Homophobes, fundies, homophobic fundies. I asked someone why they thought that gay people hurt society, and this is what they sent me.

Please tell me it's illegal for "official" websites such as that to post false information that has been disproved over and over again?
Don't I wish. Jesus Christ, why do they stick to the idea that homosexuality is a contagious disease?


Deader than the parents on "Party Of Five"
True & Honest Fan
Feb 3, 2013
CatParty said:
Indy wrestlers

Also,smart marks who don't understand that wrestling is about drawing money. God forbid a wrestling show isn't full of "5 star" matches.

Hogan drew the most money ever,that child killer they used to worship couldn't draw flies to a horses ass. Fuck you smart marks,go whack off to puroresu that nobody cares about. I mean,I'm not saying I love shitty matches and hate good ones..but you know the idiots that I'm talking about.

Feb 26, 2013
raymond said:
There's this guy I used know on an online Yugioh (don't laugh) dueling website who usually annoyed the crap out of everyone and had some mental problems. Usually, he would go online, ask for a duel, and then quit as soon as he's losing. And because all of his decks are terrible, this happens a lot. When I asked him why he does this, he said he was trying to teach people a lesson against using good decks. His logic was that people use good decks to make winning easier, so he forfeits whenever he sees people using good cards to give them an easy but unsatisfying win, and hopes that by doing this, people realize that using good decks to win is unsatisfying. He actually thought he could change the entire community's attitude by doing this repeatedly. He often references the Yugioh GX anime when describing his motivations. In the anime, the antagonists are all competitive and elitist Yugioh players, while the protagonists simply play for fun. He claims that whenever people actually try to win, they're taking the game too seriously, and acting like the antagonists from the anime.

I found out that the actual reason he does this is because he has a fear of not being respected. He thinks that if he loses badly (quitting doesn't count apparently), people will think that he's worthless. Ironically, quitting whenever someone displays any form of competence against him has hurt his reputation much more than losing a card game ever could have.

I also suspect that he thinks his monster cards are real, and have feelings, or something. I was dueling him and discovered that he absolutely loathes it when his opponents take control of his monster cards. As soon as I took control of one of his monsters, he threw a tantrum and started insulting me. Also, he absolutely refuses to destroy his own monster if I'm controlling it, even if he could have won the game. I asked him why, and he gave me two different reasons. First, he said that controlling an opponent's monsters is disrespectful to the cards. He later changed the reason to something about his high school days. He says that whenever someone takes control of one of his monsters, it reminds him of when his friends stopped hanging around him to hang out with some other people, thus "betraying" him. Remember, this is the guy who claims everyone else are the ones who take Yugioh too seriously.

Some other random information: He's 32 years old and lives with his mother. But unlike Chris, he's employed.

I can relate... I used to work as a stock boy for the local walmart. And there was this cart pusher I knew that loved, LOVED, The animu; Bleach and Naruto. I hated the show, because I always thought it was a prime example of what I call a "cookie cutter anime" (meaning its the same idea as every other fighting/battle/competition animu) And I tell him that I like Ghost in the Shell, FLCL and FMA better. So, after I had told him that, he starts giving me strange looks every time I walk through the parking lot.

Then one day, He comes back to the stock room and he has with him a long broom handle, So he stop dead in his tracks in the middle of the work floor in a clearing surrounded by boxes, and points at me and yells at the top of his lungs: "ICHIGO-HAKU-BANKAI!" (or some shit like that.) And proceeds to swish about, pretending its a bo staff, trying to be all stylized and dramatic as if he's drawing power from the ground. Then he says; "Prepare yourself Elric..." (Referencing Edward Elric from FMA) I'm standing there with my price gun in hand and 10 other people staring at us. I actually wanted to humor him and play along, but I knew that that would probably be a bad decision. So I ask him what the hell he's doing, and before long the floor manager comes by and grabs him by the shoulder. I don't know if this startled him or if it was the sheer rage inside him, but he ducked and swung that broom handle and CRACK! Broke our managers nose. Up until that point, I thought he was just fucking with me, being a big goofball, but no... He was legitimately angry. So I and several other employees charge him and knock him flat on his ass. (he was as thin as a pencil so it was almost no effort.) I take the broom handle and throw it away from his reach. Minutes later police show up and cuff him, all while he's screaming; BANKAI!!! BANKAI-JUTSU!!!

About a month later I quit and decided to help my mom with her job instead. I guess that's sort of how I take an interest in Chris, He reminds me too much of the crazy cart pusher from my home town walmart.


Smug Elliot Page
True & Honest Fan
Feb 3, 2013
Saney said:
Homophobes, fundies, homophobic fundies. I asked someone why they thought that gay people hurt society, and this is what they sent me.
I bet the writer of that article has a lot of sailor moon posters on his wall.

Also, I like how his evidence to discredit most of the scientific research that contradicts his point of view is "IT'S NOT TRUE! SHUT UP!" without any sources cited or reasons given. Hell, he says that ex-gay facilities are legit, which pretty much tells you right off the bat what kind of person we're dealing with here. He also says that homosexual adoption is irrefutably harmful to the child, which recently got proven false. The guy literally has no clue of what he's talking about, and his only evidence to support his outlandish claims appears to be yelling "I'm definitely right, you guys!" which, unfortunately for the good man, does not hold up.