Personal Lolcows

Smaug's Smokey Hole

Excuse me, I currently have some brain damage.
Sep 7, 2016
I have a friend, I love him I really really do, but he's like a falling object with undecided gravity, he can fall in any direction without intent, so to say. Ask him to go get the soccer ball and he loses his pants and falls over his feet trying to jog, feed him booze and drugs and he will still show up at work after sleeping 30 minutes. Leave him alone in a bar for a second to get drinks and now he's suddenly a competent jazz guitarist in the house band and looks at me in the way of 'I don't know how this happened, I just...' , then I go home to sleep and the next thing I hear is that he can no longer enter Canada. We live in Europe. He's on Wikipedia, these details are not known though. Not a famous person or anything like that, a lot of people have wikipedia pages.

Chaos Theorist

It would be spiteful To put jellyfish in a trifle
Jul 6, 2017
I have another personal lolcow from school
When I was in year 7 me and my other friend would hang with this severely autistic kid who was in year 9. He would spend all fucking lunch time smashing the green button that opened the sliding glass door.
"SpergAnon," I said "what if I told you that each time you pressed that 100 black people died?"
looks at ground
looks at me
starts smashing the button even faster & harder, this time counting as he does it
I have no regrets

Angry New Ager

True & Honest Fan
Sep 20, 2016
I debated whether to stick this in the Nice Guys community thread or put it here, but because I don't want to dox him, I'm putting it here.

One of my personal lolcows, Tris, is a long-ago former cow-orker who, at 50, has ended up a broke, perennially under-employed sadcow. That he is a pitiable character doesn't make him any less frustrating to observe however, nor does it make me want to slap some sense into him any less.

And Tris is definitely a cow because he keeps making the same mistakes, and holding on to the same flawed view of reality, but he can't engage in the kind of critical self-reflection necessary to understand how he and his thinking are the primary source of his problems, much less change.

He has a bunch of flabby, "society isn't fair!" progressive-lefty reasons for why he's still broke and working at a low-paying job, and living in a shitty apartment in a seedy, rednecky town because he can't afford anywhere better.

But the primary source of his deep unhappiness is, to hear him tell it, always a woman, or at least women in general. Tris longs for and idolizes women, and claims to empathize deeply with them—and yet they keep rejecting him. He was like that when I knew him in his 20s; he's still doing it at 50. Only he's now fat, balding, depressed, with a mouthful of rotting and broken teeth, and looks much older than his age.

At least he isn't dyeing his hair purple, anymore (he was doing that for a while, claiming it was a newfound expression of his "true self," but I guess women still ignored him, so he stopped).

I call him Tris because he has an odd minor fixation on the legend of Tristan and Yseult, but in his own retconned version, Yseult shows up in time to save Tristan from death, and they end up together forever. There is so much else in that story that he completely ignores, so it makes absolutely no sense, but that's his master romantic narrative.

And this is crucial, because Tris has spent his entire adulthood longing for his own Yseult to arrive in time to save him. Through her love and understanding, she will heal his depression and loneliness, and save him from future loneliness by remaining with forever.

Why don't women—especially young, attractive ones—want that job? I can't possibly imagine.

Way back when we were young and working together, he, in classic Nice Guy style, decided that since he was attracted to me, that feeling would of course be mutual, if only I knew. So he barraged me with love notes and small gifts left on my desk at work for about a month.

Never mind that this was clear harrassment. Never mind that I politely but firmly turned him down flat and asked him to stop. He had the bad romcom idea that if he just kept pursuing me, I'd give in, give him a try, and fall in love with him. He was in love with me; that had to mean something, right?

Only I wasn't going to. Though intelligent and artsy, and not unattractive physically, he was still very boyish and immature. He was also very emotional, moody and at the mercy of his feelings (which meant everyone else was, too). It was obvious he was never going to be a masculine man, but instead the sensitive, poetic type—which is fine if you like that, but totally not my cuppa.

Years later, when I first heard Death Cab for Cutie's " I Will Possess Your Heart," I immediately thought of Tris. I still do, because that's exactly how he thinks when he has a new woman he's fixated on. He's never fucking learned.

Anyway, I never even bothered to tell our employer about his harassment because he was so weak and gormless I never once saw him as a threat. I knew I could deal with him on my own, so I did. When being nice and trying to let him down easy didn't work, I took a much blunter, salted-and-burnt approach, and basically crushed him. I didn't want to be cruel, but I was fed the fuck up. And it worked. Until he got fired six months later, I had to deal with a lot of petty, passive-aggressive retaliation, but none of it had any teeth and it was easy to brush off.

I didn't encounter him again, or really even think about him, for over 20 years. One day, I spotted a post he made on a forum for the town we used to live in, and thought I'd check out his social media to see what he'd been up to. And I've periodically been checking in on him since, because hey, I'm always going to be fascinated by people who keep on making the same goddamned mistakes and just. don't. learn.

Lately, he made posts of himself singing and playing music again, which I took as a positive sign. He's a competent musician, if not much of a singer. His music got sidelined for years due to his depression, so at least he's back to that. But he still made posts about how heartbroken and lonely he is, wondering when the girl who will heal him and make his life whole will show up (and I'm certain she's still got to be a girl, not a woman his own age who is as fat and dentally-challenged and worn down as he is).

About a week ago, he posted this to a social media account, and as of today it has received no likes, and no replies:

I reach out once again, hesitantly, delicately, yearning to connect. I already know what will happen; the other does not see the value in me that I see in her, so she gives either a vague, casual response—like muttering in her sleep—or, more often, no response at all.

I am invisible, a non-entity, unseen; and when I am seen, I am misunderstood and disregarded. I keep gently reaching out—is she sensitive enough to recognize what I am offering, and respond? But most of the time, she doesn't even understand that I am reaching out; she is not attuned to me at all.

Reaching out gets harder with each disappointment, but still I keep trying. Remaining open and being deeply empathic brings me hurt every single day, but I would never choose any other way. I am so tired. Some day, somebody will see me and recognize me for who I am and what I could be for her. I hope.

Fifty years old, claiming to be "deeply empathic," yet he can't pick up on women's disinterest in him, or understand why they politely ignore or reject his advances. His alleged empathy for them doesn't extend to understanding why they don't want him.

It's one of those posts that makes me want to smack him upside the head and yell, "Snap out of it! Wake up! Look at your shitty thinking, and what you're doing to yourself!" because goddamn it, how can you make it through 32 years of adulthood, still doing the same things, and not learn?

Oh, right—it's totally possible when you're a cow.


Sharp as ATTACK
Apr 1, 2021
there's this woman who thinks she's a good musician, she's not and everybody hates her that isn't old.

She was "the singing nurse" or something and bragged about singing at Carnegie but really she's just a Florence foster Jenkins, which means she took some singing conference there for normies that she paid for and oh I'm Carnegie level now!!! Hahaha. She strums her guitar like fucking Russel and claims she's a songwriter or something. I happened to be getting coffee and she was playing. The employee moved the blender into a back room to make smoothies just soas not to piss off the local 55+ woman who wears hippie bohemian shit , can't sing, and her flabby arm wings all out on display in sleeveless and it's ficking disgusting. Her car is all painted with a mermaid , I was in a truck bed getting driven around and she was next to us and my 4yo niece loved it and shouted "I love your car!" And miss Florence was all my website, hire me I'm famous!!

So when employee dimmed the lights and it was apparently in the middle of a song (employee was asked to do that) suddenly Florence just went off on her and followed her around for" fucking up her set" with the blender and lights and can't she do that between songs, literally followed her around to yell at her , fucking unhinged. Like I'm it's a legit food and coffee shop u dumb bitch I'm not waiting an extra 5 minutes for a smoothie. She thinks she's so awesome but is so, so terrible hence the nickname Florence. She also runs some kind of writing group Meetup at the same coffee shop , she doesn't have any kind of English or writing degree, and u have to pay her to Meetup with her and her "group " there. And she's terrible at that too.

She is just sobad and so terrible and no one likes her except old people that she sings to at the nursing homes, and badly. She can't sing in key, it's ficking worse than karaoke. I've seriously left places when she is there,locally infamous here.

NeoGAF Lurker

An Niggo
Aug 15, 2016
My sister in law. My wife came from a large traditional farming family and her older sister did the whole rebellion thing and fled to New York City about five years ago after she got a bullshit art history degree. NYC didn’t treat her well but she could never go back to flyover country. She glommed onto every left wing cause and accused everyone in her past of being every -ist imaginable. As you can imagine, her family was hurt and upset because they’re the type of people who’d give the clothes on their back if you needed them.

Of course, her new boyfriend was black and sure enough, he started beating her right away. She finally broke up with him only after he put her in a hospital. Her first priority was making sure that people didn’t get the wrong idea about blacks. Her corn fed naïveté made her an easy target. Her new boyfriend is of course black. Unlike her ex who came from a wealthy family, this one is an aspiring SoundCloud rapper and you guessed it, started beating her. I’m just posting this because she posted yet another Facebook post about how “love is fucking love” with her thug boyfriend and then late last night called crying to my wife that JaQuavious just used her as a punching bag.

Angry New Ager

True & Honest Fan
Sep 20, 2016
Well, Tris posted again last night. He has a pattern: within a few days, perhaps a week, of making a major sadpost, he makes a ragepost. That's because he's a super-sensitive "empath" Nice Guy, and Nice Guys always have lots of rage and bitter resentment lurking right below the surface that they can't acknowledge and integrate because then they'd have to accept they're actually assholes, just like they've always accused more sexually successful men of being.

Tris's rage wasn't against a woman, or women in particular, but rather decrying what he sees as "narcissistic" pop-psych platitudes. You see, he's chronically depressed, profoundly lonely, feels unwanted by everyone, and while I think he's on meds, they're clearly not working.

But rather than say, "Hey, this isn't working; I need to do something different," he keeps leaning on his friends to soothe his turbulent emotions and tell him he's worthy, and always surrounding the same chronic issues—I'm lonely; I'm depressed; women don't want me; I just want to find the girl who will love me and make my life complete and take away all my sadness, but I'm afraid she'll never come.

So of course he gets the standard, "You've got to love yourself, first" (tr: "Nobody wants the job of constantly shoring up your wobbly self-esteem"), and "When you can be happy being alone, you'll have a much easier time attracting women" (tr: "Nobody wants a needy emotional lamprey"). Yes, they're dumb, shallow, clichéd advice, and at this point there's nothing to be lost in just telling him the unvarnished versions, but his friends and acquaintances all tend to be soft-hearted, sensitive people who don't want to hurt his feelings. Anybody who might offer honest, blunt insight and advice would be "mean." So pop-psych pablum it is, because what else can they say?

And Tris, the "empath," can't understand how his friends might feel when regularly called upon to reassure him of his own worthiness, and buoy him with false hope, any more than he understands how women feel about him showing uninvited interest in them. So of course he has to blow up in a rage.

There's a reason replies and reactions to Tris's social media posts have steadily declined over the years. I expect they will decline further, following this latest self-pitying lashout. And the poor stupid bastard will never figure out why. Such is the Way of the Cow.


"The Engadine Macca's incident is always funny."
Jun 28, 2021
My not-so-much friend Vlad. Comes from Ukraine, reacts like a ticking time bomb whenever anything remotely funny is done where he's the punchline, seems to have an obsession with making what I and other people like to call "Kosher Terrywads", and from what I've seen, fears the Grapevine Elites. Even has a (possible) love interest for either Aquarius199, or this other guy called Br0leg, a Ukrainian YouTuber that Vlad apparently is close to via postal mail.


Phyrnus Giganiggatus
Aug 23, 2019
So, I've been wanting to tell about this guy for a bit but never got the chance. Changing some small identifying details just in case. My friend group is really big on Yugioh and have been semi-competitive for a bit of time, so we go to a lot of tournaments. At one particular weekly tournament there one absolute autismo that trumps the rest. The boy Paul may be the most retarded individual I have ever met. He's 6 foot, nearly 400lbs, had a bowlcut, and the most babyfaced motherfucker I have ever seen, talks like a moron too. He constantly plays each game as if he was a yugioh character, is obsessed with the show, and throws temper tantrums when he gets his ass kicked (which is extremely often). Apparently his parents drop him off (He's 19) at the tournament twice a week when it is held, and they refuse to let him install pokemon go because they think he will get hit by a car. Two big stories.

On one occasion, in the last round of a tournament, he and a buddy of mine were paired up. My buddy had been fucking around with a new deck so he was tied with 5 people for last, so he was paired with Paul. Paul had, for some reason began to talk to my friend about black people, refering to them as "The blacks" to which my friend was uncomfortable, not to mention there were a lot of ghetto black people around playing because yugioh attracts them for some reason, despite this, Paul, for some reason says "Well I can just call them niggers if that helps." By some divine grace, despite half the room hearing him, he didn't get murdered or banned, instead the judge had me talk to him, to which he denied saying it and said that he's done it before and he had black friends so it was okay. Any sympathy for him dried up and people would stop giving him pity wins after this.

Story 2 is shorter. Recently the store we go to opened up again and he began to go 3 days a week. On one of these days there are a bunch of other autismos and kids who play casually and hang out with him. One of the kids is a 14 year old with a huge studder and has constant spasms, I assume due to some nuerological thing. Despite being Paul's best friend there, Paul shits on him all the time because he gets crushed by the kid (despite Paul playing the most broken card in the game right now). One day Paul and the kid have a fight over something undoubtedly autustic and Paul sulks near the register by the owner because he got extremely asshurt. After the kid comes by, her looks the boss dead in the eyes and says "You know, I have autism, but at least I'm not as bad as that retard." I look at this shit and the owner looks me in the eye and he gets me to talk to Paul, to which I have to tell him one more outburst and he gets banned from tournaments for a few weeks.

If anyone is intrested, I have more stories about this absolute tismlord, but yeah, that's basically the overview.

nickname required
Jul 4, 2021
I used to follow a girl on Facebook who dressed up like anne frank. one video of her got viral because she had a shitton of mac stuff. I have no idea which was her real name, and how she ended up.
Does anybody remember anything about a girl like that?

Hib Bik

Jul 4, 2021
A "friend online," named, Dash.

Real cutie, talks a lot about being complimented in public and hitting, "her" milk-jugs into car doors, especially car doors-
Seems keen on wanting me to see it as a woman, I am slightly scared.

There's kind of a lot to this person, layers, kind of like ogres...

Edit, an extra pic, there's sadly more of this perfect 6'2 specimen.

Dash- " I got really tall first and being the tallest girl in the room eventually made it uncomfortable being labeled as the tall freak. Once I filled out though people noticed me then but I've always been thrown off by it since I was unnoticed for so long " Filled out, referring to boobs.

I encouraged said person, and got the feedback of it's day's travels
"So I guess you were right. I just got back from shopping and had gotten compliments while I was out 😊🤣😂"

"Usually I just get guys commenting on my chest 🙄🤢" ... What else is there to comment about-
"I even had one guy say that he wanted to have sex with me 🤢🤢🤢"


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Massively Strong Greed

Thanks for the money, dummy!
Apr 14, 2019
Disclaimer: I don’t have much beef with this guy so I’m not going to dox him.
Caffeine-addicted atheist at a Christian high school, loved Rick & Morty, hated Apple and was highly critical of Nintendo, pirated Cuphead and refused to buy it even after saying it was one of his favorite games, very vocal about his political views. Low-key disliked by most, but he had me to talk to and, if you can believe it, a girlfriend.
Edit: remembered that there is apparently a hole in his wall caused by him raging at Rainbow Road in Mario Kart Wii.
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Phyrnus Giganiggatus
Aug 23, 2019
Continuation on my post about Paul with some other stories. For context, Paul is a fat autistic kid that goes to a card store I like that throws tantrums, is racist, and hates other kids with disabilities. Autism elitist.

A few months ago Paul came to me for advice. I had tried to be a bit nice to him prior, however this sympathy wore off completely a few weeks after this conversation. Paul was a man of romance, though he has had no luck with the opposite sex despite trying endlessly. He, however, only chases after 10s when he's a 2 in both personality and looks. I tried to explain to him that not only did looks equate to complete compatibility, but he also needed to think of himself as a stock. He had barely any value now since he never really worked on things, but if he got in shape, started socializing, and picked up some skills he'd add value to himself as well as boost his confidence. What followed was an incel rant that'd make Elliott Rodgers blush with all the fixins' such as calling women "self cleaning fleshlights", "cumgutters", and, my favorite, "Chadfucking retard monkeys". His outburst would ultimately get him flailing his arms and banging on the table enough that he almost got kicked out of the store and he was nearly drenched in sweat.

Story two. I wasn't involved in this one, I was sick with the flu at the time, though a friend documented this. Paul had accidentally bent one of his prized cards at the time, some $50 ultimate rare he sharked some kid out of, in the middle of a match with a black kid. Paul attempted to shift the blame to the kid in order to get him to extort him, to which after a third of the store sided with the kid, Paul got all mopey and kept mumbling to himself for the rest of the night. Apparently he was crying to himself at some point after he talked to the owner to try to get the black kid banned and the owner said it was out of his hands. To this day he will not let black kids touch his stuff, even though this was entirely his fault and the kid did nothing wrong.

Paul is pretty universally disliked at this point but there is still a shred of sympathy left. Honestly I think he is going down the path of CWC and it might be interesting to see what happens in 2 or 3 years. I still have some less interesting stories, but if any other funny ones happen, I'll just toss them up here.